Your Awkward Moments....

[TGS]

In keeping with the threads on best/worst/meh guns, let's hear about one of the most uncomfortable moments you've ever had.

For me, it was definitely Dave Grossman forcefully sucking his coffee through the coffee-cup lid while his hands and clothes were absolutely covered in those crazy ink markers he uses, talking about the need for a healthy sexual life, and this song from my childhood popped into my head.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydrtF45-y-g

[Duke]

What’s with the trend of detail analyzing the fail?



Really I don’t need detailed instructions of how and why you messed
Something up.


Lanny Basham - with winning in mind - he shot a 99% perfect rifle match. Some dipshit asked what happened on that one

“I don’t know. Wouldn’t you rather hear about the shots I made and how to do that?”

Paraphrased but the point it clear.

Failing quickly doesn’t burn up mental energy like obsessions over unchangeable pasts

[blues]

on the other hand...

[AKDoug]

What’s with the trend of detail analyzing the fail?



Really I don’t need detailed instructions of how and why you messed
Something up.


Lanny Basham - with winning in mind - he shot a 99% perfect rifle match. Some dipshit asked what happened on that one

“I don’t know. Wouldn’t you rather hear about the shots I made and how to do that?”

Paraphrased but the point it clear.

Failing quickly doesn’t burn up mental energy like obsessions over unchangeable pasts

But even Lanny will tell stories to help someone else come to grips with their failures.

[BehindBlueI's]

Repost from the Roll Call stories thread:

...

Acid made a brief come back at a local high school and we had a burst of 16-17 year olds doing really stupid shit while being high. A bunch of us were eating lunch when a call of a naked man running up "E street" came out. Nobody really wanted to go to a naked man running up E street, but several more calls came in so we figured it was legit and we'd better go. More calls came in and now he was running around in a subdivision full of curving roads. By the time we caught up with him, he'd kicked in a basement window (apparently people on acid hate glass) and had gotten into an open garage. The home owner was restoring a muscle car, something like a Nova or Chevelle but I don't recall exactly what it was. Just that it was a 2 door muscle car. Fluffy had gotten a big bottle of hand sanitizer and was squishing it all over himself while sitting in the muscle car. The homeowner heard the noise, see what's going on, alerts his son, and the two of them hold the doors closed trapping Fluffy in the car. The first officers get to the right house, get Fluffy out of the car, and handcuff him. He is completely naked. Not even socks or shoes. He's extremely fat, he's shit himself while running and has brown racing stripes on the backs of his legs, and has smears of blood over his lower body from where he's smeared blood from his cuts from kicking in the window.

Then I arrive. I see them walking naked fat bloody Fluffy out of the garage, and now wishing to subject the entire neighborhood to the mud flap ass I just saw, I went to the trunk and got an emergency blanket. I cut a hole in the middle so it was like a big yellow poncho. I walked up and realized there was blood on his crotch and he had beans...but no frank. The original officers also noted the lack of the expected genitals, blood, and one hesitantly asked, "Dude...did you cut your dick off?" Fluffy responded he had not, but he had an inverted penis. Basically he was so fat, the fat had moved out beyond the length of his member and he now had an inny and not an outie. I put the poncho on him and he looked like a big sad banana standing there. He then piped up, "I've got a little dick... Did I just make it awkward for everyone?" Yes. Yes you did. I realized that they had plenty of help on the scene to deal with Fluffy, I got back in my car and left.

Turns out he'd ditched his clothes in the bathroom of a Panda Express, and just started running...because acid.

[RoyGBiv]

Had a minor medical problem. Had to visit the urologist.
Urologist I was referred to works in a university hospital.

You know where this is going, don't you?

I'm in the treatment room waiting on the Doc and in walks an absolutely gorgeous 20-something med student doing her Urology rotation.

"Dear Playboy....... " (not!)

[Pacioli]

I'll play...

We attended the wedding of one of my wife's coworkers. It was a small ceremony in a private club. We're sitting with about a dozen of my wife's co-workers. Just as the ceremony starts, a very attractive well dressed lady in her 50's takes the empty chair to my left. The minister officiating the ceremony looks to be just a little older than baseball. The ceremony concludes but the bride and groom remain with the minister and begin to sign papers. The folks around us start to grumble about the delay in getting to the food and booze spread. So I wise crack something to the effect of they're probably doing it now in case the minister doesn't make it.

At which point the lady to my left says "He's my husband, he's been ill."

Ever try to disappear under a folding chair? Took my a while to get the shoe polish off of my teeth.

[blues]

Gun Related Awkward Moment:

We seized a large quantity of cocaine secreted within hollowed out books and were going to effect a controlled delivery with the original bad guy cooperating.

A couple of agents were in upstairs rooms, while I was in a small broom closet under the stairwell leading to the 2nd floor of the home.

I was armed with an 870, (and handgun), and would exit the closet when we were ready to make the arrest.

I hear bad guy #2 come into the home and converse with bad guy #1 in Spanish, which I was able to follow for the most part. Everything "seemed" ok.

Don't know if the guy just got hinky or bad guy #1 tipped him, but a few moments later I hear footsteps approaching my area, and a second or two later the guy swings open the door to the closet.

When he saw the shotgun pointed at him he didn't know whether to shit or go blind (thankfully). A lot could have gone wrong in that moment, and in retrospect I'd have set up my location somewhat differently, as I had no place to fall back to in a gunfight. But I was young and dumb and felt like the badge was an impenetrable barricade. Lesson learned.

[blues]

Non Gun Related:


I may or may not admit to personal knowledge of these events...

There was a guy dating a gal while in college. Her dad was a blue collar sort who played at one time in the Dodger minor league system. He didn't care for the guy's long hair.

When the guy cut his long hair really short following graduation pix being taken, he became a big fan of said guy, to the point of liking to knock a few back with him when he came to their home to visit.

At a New Year's Eve party in the early to mid 1970's at the girlfriend's home, dad proceeded to get the boyfriend pretty loaded. (The boyfriend, who thought he could keep up with the old man, was clearly mistaken.)

Sometime during the wee hours of the morning, following having possibly unceremoniously unloaded some pierogies from dinner the night before, the boyfriend got in the shower adjoining the parents bedroom to clean off the prior night's detritus.

While in the shower, it is alleged that our hero slipped and fell on his ass in the tub...awakening the family and having the bathroom door opened unceremoniously by girlfriend's mother, sister and father while he was buck naked.

Allegedly, the father laughed his ass off and a merry time was had by all. It is said that the boyfriend is still embarrassed by the event some 45+ years later.

__________________

It is also alleged that this same ne'er-do-well was caught in flagrante delicto with a different young woman when her mother decided to fling open the daughter's bedroom door. It is reported that the gentleman in question asked the mother to leave so that he could finish get some clothes on.

(Interestingly enough, when the father had a "chat" with said offender, he was not in the least angry with him but had to speak to him or suffer the wrath of the mother for whom the young man was not of their "caste".)



Thankfully, the offending party never amounted to anything and was never heard from again. And that's all I have to say about that...

[GearFondler]

I'd just like to point out the word "awkward" in and of itself is... awkward.

[blues]

I'd just like to point out the word "awkward" in and of itself is... awkward.

Perhaps for a WordFondler...;)

[GearFondler]

Perhaps for a WordFondler...;)But not for a cunning linguist.

[blues]

But not for a cunning linguist.

No, not at all. That could make one tongue tied.

[GearFondler]

No, not at all. That could make one tongue tied.Yeah, I've heard it's something about the tongue.

[TC215]

Had a minor medical problem. Had to visit the urologist.
Urologist I was referred to works in a university hospital.

You know where this is going, don't you?

I'm in the treatment room waiting on the Doc and in walks an absolutely gorgeous 20-something med student doing her Urology rotation.

"Dear Playboy....... " (not!)

When I was in college, I ended up in the ER, and they had to use a urinary catheter on me, among other things.

While laying in bed, totally uncovered with a catheter hanging out, a nursing student comes in to ask for my insurance card.

The nursing student happened to be the hot blonde that sat in front of me in literature class.

I had to tell her to get the insurance card out of my pants, which were laying in the floor.

That was 15 years ago, and I still don't like to think about it.

[BobLoblaw]

Ever have to fart on an elevator? Well, this guy did and that he did just prior to exiting on the bottom floor while leaving work on a Friday evening. This new guy left it for someone else to find in a sort or fart lottery. No one would know he did it and so his mischievous afterthought would go unsolved. It was successful.

A few weeks later, this strapping young man boarded that same elevator headed for the brass floor up top. He hopped in, pressed the button, and quickly realized his predicament. There was no way someone didn't literally shit themselves in that elevator but for him it was too late. The doors had closed enough to seal his fate so he held his breath and waited for the few seconds of travel it typically takes. A few moments later, the doors open. Eye to eye with the hot-tempered COO, his blood runs cold. He steps out and the COO steps in. He feels his career begin to crumble. He takes a few more steps as the doors begin to close. This is it for the young man, he just knows it. With the doors shutting and the last few words muffled, the COO shouts "GOD DAMN, KID! GO SEE A DOCTOR!"


*No recent graduates were harmed in this incident.

[blues]

When I was in college, I ended up in the ER, and they had to use a urinary catheter on me, among other things.

While laying in bed, totally uncovered with a catheter hanging out, a nursing student comes in to ask for my insurance card.

The nursing student happened to be the hot blonde that sat in front of me in literature class.

I had to tell her to get the insurance card out of my pants, which were laying in the floor.

That was 15 years ago, and I still don't like to think about it.

A rare situation with a hot blonde in which you find yourself not wanting to get out of your pants. (I wonder if she still thinks about it? ;))

[TC215]

A rare situation with a hot blonde in which you find yourself not wanting to get out of your pants. (I wonder if she still thinks about it? ;))


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dcovHHOCtpQ

[Baldanders]

I went to a show at the Coffeehouse at Duke sometime around 93-94. Was there to see a local band. They had a good gig, but the opening Australian band was "experimental," and pretty much unlistenable. After the show, I went out to the back porch to have a smoke and I ran into an acquaintance who was chatting with three guys I didn't recognize.

He asked me what I thought of the show.

"Archers were good, but that other band sure came a long way to suck!"

Of course, he was chatting with the opening band.

[Caballoflaco]

This took place at a bar/coffee shop/ bookstore I used to frequent when I was in college.

I was pretty well into my beers as it were and really needed to take a piss. I also had Moon River stuck in my head, and when the skinny horse drinks he likes to sing. So as I go to open up the door of the single toilet bathroom I’m in the middle of belting out “Moooon Riiiver!” when low and behold I’m making eye contact with some poor 18 or 19 year old kid taking a shit. I would describe his expression as one of terror and embarrassment. I calmly shut the door and told him he should lock it the next time he’s in there. After getting over the shock I decided it was hilarious, he’s probably never been able to shit in an unlocked bathroom again.

[Stephanie B]

When I lived in Missouri, a guy that I knew from college swung by to visit on his way south from Gawd, It's Freezing to Gawd, It's Humid. He had had something medical and had lost most of the fingers on one hand.

So, he arrived and I went out to help him bring in his bags. Of course, I said: "Hi, Al, can I give you a hand?" He just looked at me and said "sure". It wasn't until later that I realized what I'd said. I figured that he had to have known I wasn't being insulting.

But since he drank up all of my bourbon that night (about six shots' worth), he got even. On the other hand (there I go again), it was basically one shelf above Ten-High.

[willie]

By chance I encountered an old college friend in another city in another state after not having seen him in decades. Too have something to say, I asked whatever happened to that girl with the big tits he used to date. He replied that he married her.

[BobLoblaw]

When I lived in Missouri, a guy that I knew from college swung by to visit on his way south from Gawd, It's Freezing to Gawd, It's Humid. He had had something medical and had lost most of the fingers on one hand.

So, he arrived and I went out to help him bring in his bags. Of course, I said: "Hi, Al, can I give you a hand?" He just looked at me and said "sure". It wasn't until later that I realized what I'd said. I figured that he had to have known I wasn't being insulting.

But since he drank up all of my bourbon that night (about six shots' worth), he got even. On the other hand (there I go again), it was basically one shelf above Ten-High.

I had a similar occurrence in college with a new roommate with his volume maxed out playing xbox. After a few days, I'd had enough and I stormed in:
"Jesus Christ, turn that shit down! Are you deaf or something?"
"Yeah, I am."
"Oh, my bad."

Fortunately, it turns out he's also of the most inexcusably and miraculously stupid people I've ever met so my sympathy well dried up a few weeks later.

[Eric_L]

What’s with the trend of detail analyzing the fail?



Really I don’t need detailed instructions of how and why you messed
Something up.


Lanny Basham - with winning in mind - he shot a 99% perfect rifle match. Some dipshit asked what happened on that one

“I don’t know. Wouldn’t you rather hear about the shots I made and how to do that?”

Paraphrased but the point it clear.

Failing quickly doesn’t burn up mental energy like obsessions over unchangeable pasts

The more I read your writings, the more I wish I knew you. No sarcasm.

[Torsius]

Repost from the Roll Call stories thread:

...
I went to the trunk and got an emergency blanket. I cut a hole in the middle so it was like a big yellow poncho.

I guess not all policing is regional. How about when you have finally handcuffed the high female who was rampaging through the neighborhood and put her in the back of the car, and while you are getting witness statements, she strips down, defecates, uses the feces as a lubricant to aid in slipping her cuffs...

It wasn’t really awkward until she left a shit footprint on my sergeant’s chest.

[BehindBlueI's]

I guess not all policing is regional. How about when you have finally handcuffed the high female who was rampaging through the neighborhood and put her in the back of the car, and while you are getting witness statements, she strips down, defecates, uses the feces as a lubricant to aid in slipping her cuffs...

It wasn’t really awkward until she left a shit footprint on my sergeant’s chest.

Some stories are universal in LE. Only the names and a hand full of particulars change. Like a really fucked up "mad libs".

[wrmettler]

Two Recollections.

Giving a closing argument before a jury with my zipper down, and being told by the judge in open court after the jury left to deliberate and then reminded of the fact by several jurors after the case. Embarrassing.

Many years ago, practice Thursday morning at 1000 yard range at Ben Avery with my Palma rifle. I was shooting wide 8 left, wide 8 right, high 9, etc. Not doing well, and getting really upset with myself.
Looked up and there were about 4-5 old geezers (then not now) looking down at me. They were all dressed alike, white t-shirts, bib overalls, clodhoppers, and trucker hats. The leader of the posse looks down at me and says I have a crappy rifle, because it's shooting a big group. I say no it's me, because a good gunsmith built it and I'm shooting good ammo. Guy takes my rifle and ammo, and the group travels over to his shooting point whereupon he slings up, goes prone, and proceeds to shoot a group about 1MOA. At 1000 yds in a crosswind with a strange rifle. While still in prone, he looks up and says, "Yep, you are a crappy shot. This is a good rifle". They all got a good laugh. Totally embarrassing. The guy was Mid Tompkins, who was then a very big name in NRA long-range shooting. Even more embarrassing. At subsequent matches, I'd get reminded of my bad shooting rifle. So, it continued to be embarrassing.

[NEPAKevin]

Most of my awkward moments start with me leaning over to my wife to whisper "Is she pregnant or just..." and getting that you know your voice carries side eye.

[GearFondler]

Many years ago, practice Thursday morning at 1000 yard range at Ben Avery with my Palma rifle. I was shooting wide 8 left, wide 8 right, high 9, etc. Not doing well, and getting really upset with myself.
Looked up and there were about 4-5 old geezers (then not now) looking down at me. They were all dressed alike, white t-shirts, bib overalls, clodhoppers, and trucker hats. The leader of the posse looks down at me and says I have a crappy rifle, because it's shooting a big group. I say no it's me, because a good gunsmith built it and I'm shooting good ammo. Guy takes my rifle and ammo, and the group travels over to his shooting point whereupon he slings up, goes prone, and proceeds to shoot a group about 1MOA. At 1000 yds in a crosswind with a strange rifle. While still in prone, he looks up and says, "Yep, you are a crappy shot. This is a good rifle". They all got a good laugh. Totally embarrassing. The guy was Mid Tompkins, who was then a very big name in NRA long-range shooting. Even more embarrassing. At subsequent matches, I'd get reminded of my bad shooting rifle. So, it continued to be embarrassing.

Nope... That's just a great story. Embarrassing would have been you blaming the rifle and then being shown it was actually you to blame.

[Joe in PNG]

I spent a few nights in hospital after my ACL replacement during the mid 90's. The IV and constant supply of icewater meant I was pretty hydrated, so I had to pee a lot.
I was in the middle of doing so when my pastor & head deacon came by for a visit.

Playing an instrument provides a few awkward moments.

A few years back, I was playing bass at a satellite campus of my church. We practiced the set at 7am, then played the first service at 8. Just before the first song of the 9am service, the worship leader turned to me and asked what key my music was in. I told him G, and he said that it was supposed to be in A- then started up the intro.

A few years before that, also during a church service while during a prayer, me and a guitar player had a collision that knocked my bass out of tune. I had to unplug, go across the stage, grab the tuner, re-tune, and get back to my place- and missed the song all together. Monday I bought a pedal tuner.

Our band was asked to play a demo video for a friend of the worship pastor's. I was on percussion for that week's rotation, no worries. After practice, the bass player ask me to switch, as he wasn't too confident in his ability to play the songs. He pretty much always plays a 5 string, but I'm a 4 string guy who didn't have his trusty Steinberger with him at the moment. We begin recording, and the stupid A string on my friend's 5 kept popping out of the nut. Which meant I had to pop it back in while playing, and it was one of the worst for me. Seems my friend had just gotten his custom built bass that week, and the idiot who built it didn't cut the nut slot right...I should also mention that I'm the idiot who built it.

[trailrunner]

I had a similar occurrence in college with a new roommate with his volume maxed out playing xbox. After a few days, I'd had enough and I stormed in:
"Jesus Christ, turn that shit down! Are you deaf or something?"
"Yeah, I am."
"Oh, my bad."


I am deaf in one ear, which has caused lots of awkward moments in my life. Sometimes somebody will be talking on my deaf side and I won't be able to hear them at all. Sometimes I can't hear them well enough to respond intelligently, so I'll just nod politely; in that case, they probably think I'm stuck up and anti-social. Big gatherings of people are bad situations, because I can't filter out the background noise. If i'm seated at one of those big round table like they have at weddings, I will keep turning to my bad side thinking I heard something, but if that person didn't say anything, they will then turn to me thinking that I wanted to engage them in conversation.

I've tried hearing aids that channel the noise on my deaf side to my good ear, but they don't work well and aren't worth the high cost. When I was trying one of those out, it did have a good benefit, because it let people know that I am hard of hearing.

[Duke]

The more I read your writings, the more I wish I knew you. No sarcasm.

Thank you.

Mostly I feel like what I post is just noise.

Got quite an extensive history of failure and needless risk. I can be consumed by negativity and darkness very easily.


I’ll never be mr positivity but I do try and focus on what’s going well in most aspects

[GearFondler]

I am deaf in one ear, which has caused lots of awkward moments in my life. Sometimes somebody will be talking on my deaf side and I won't be able to hear them at all. Sometimes I can't hear them well enough to respond intelligently, so I'll just nod politely; in that case, they probably think I'm stuck up and anti-social. Big gatherings of people are bad situations, because I can't filter out the background noise. If i'm seated at one of those big round table like they have at weddings, I will keep turning to my bad side thinking I heard something, but if that person didn't say anything, they will then turn to me thinking that I wanted to engage them in conversation.

I've tried hearing aids that channel the noise on my deaf side to my good ear, but they don't work well and aren't worth the high cost. When I was trying one of those out, it did have a good benefit, because it let people know that I am hard of hearing.I'm with you there... Meniere's Disease has robbed most of the hearing in my right ear plus some genetic hearing loss in my left ear.
If I don't know the general context of what a speaker is saying I often have no idea what they are saying... I can fill in the gaps if I can anticipate the words but if it's out of the blue I generally respond with an awkward smile and nod. And if there's background noise, forget about it... I'll have no idea what's being said. I have used Closed Caption for anything on TV.
Lots of butthurt caused by people thinking I'm ignoring them, which in fairness I often am, but not always. Makes things frustrating for my wife as well, as she gets tired of needing to repeat herself even though she knows it's not my fault.
Also it makes it a real bitch to locate sounds... My left ear picks up sounds my right ear can't sense so Everything sounds like it's on my left side. It can be very frustrating trying to figure out where a noise is coming from.
And I don't even know how much I've lost when listening to music... How much is there but I can no longer hear it.
But hey, I'm way better off than totally deaf people so I can't complain too much.

[vcdgrips]

Spring 1999. My then wife and mother of my children, along with everybody else we knew was pregnant. I attended or discussed dozens of OB/GYN appointments with dozens of folks. My cousin is an OB/GYN. I was was getting extremely good at estimating how far along somebody was with in a week or two.


One lovely saturday, at a bookstore, I start talking with a positively glowing (face/hair/eyes etc) friend of a friend. When the subject of pregnancies comes up, I then guestimate her gestation at 18 weeks.

OOPS-she was just an attractive CURVY/ZAFTIG/THICQUE young lady with an excellent hygiene regimen and NOT pregnant at all.

Never is a long time word and I have never estimated gestation again.

[kilo sierra]

A long time ago.

In those days I worked for a State Adult DOC. I worked outside of facilities moving/transporting prisoners in state and out of state. We worked in business attire.
One of my regular assignments was to take offenders to out of facility medical appointments and procedures. After you do this for awhile the staff in these practices get to know you.

I was involved in a traffic accident out of state, after having dropped off my prisoner at the destination facility. Pretty good thump, a semi rear ended me and launched my partner and I down the side of the road 100 yards or so. A few weeks later I am experiencing lower back pain. The possible cause of was in the opinion of the God like back/spine Doctor was "Alarming". I was sent to a diagnostic practice for a MRI of my lower back at a facility that I had been to on duty perhaps 50 times. They actually opened a slot for me when they figured out who it was for, and I was able to get in in a few hours, instead of 10 business days.

Coincidentally it was my 7th Anniversary and my used to be Wife and I enjoyed a robust intimacy when privacy allowed. The kids were gone for the week end and plans had been made to close the drapes and lock the doors.

When I arrived I was greeted like a I was a big deal. As they situated me onto the table I displayed some visual discomfort as I anticipated being slid into the narrow donut hole, and remain there for 30 plus minutes. These three ladies all took turns giving me advice on passing the time, one noted that it wasn't uncommon for some people to go to sleep "in their happy place". So I was advised to relax, think good thoughts, and go to my happy place...Roger That.

I remember being in the tube when the procedure started, it was really noisy and confining. I took some deep breaths to relax and closed my eyes to think happy thoughts. Which led me to the Friday night through Sunday morning game plan. I dozed off, only to remember being startled awake by the Gladys Cravits like voice over the speaker informing me the procedure was over. As I came to full conciseness I realized that in my happy place I had enjoyed a dream of epic Porn Hub proportions, and it showed. I began to bite my lip in hopes it might help me counteract the obvious results of my happy place dream. When the table was all the way out, there was a pause, and then it was suggested if I wanted to get off the table and go to the changing room that would be "fine".

As I shuffled past the observation window, they were all busy doing stuff with their backs turned.

I got dressed and found it difficult to not laugh despite my embarrassment.

When I returned to the counter and signed out these ladies were stone faced and sterile. As I was being informed of the date I could expect the results it was casually mentioned that they observe the procedure in real time.

Not another word was spoken as I made my exit...

I would return to this diagnostic facility many more times over the next few years.

It was still awkward.

[trailrunner]

One year I was traveling a lot for work. It was December, and I had gotten behind the curve on getting a Christmas tree. So it was about December 22nd or 23rd when I finally drove the Knights of Columbus Christmas tree sale at the local church. At the time, I had a beat-to-crap old pickup truck with a big dent on the side. My younger daughter accompanied me. She was a sweet, pretty girl, but she liked to dress grungy. I must've been working outside that day, because I was also dressed pretty sloppily.

We picked out a tree. This was before debit cards, so I was going to pay with a check, but when I reached for checkbook, I said "aw, darn it, I left my checkbook at home." The kind man at the Knights of Columbus table said "it's oK, you can whatever you can afford." It took me a moment to realize what he meant. I blurted out "I can afford the tree!! I really did leave my checkbook at home. Let me run home and I'll be back in 10 minutes."

******

Another time my wife and were on a vacation. We were staying at an inn in Vermont. It was sort of in a rural area. I was training for a marathon, so in the morning I headed out for what was supposed to be a 10 mile run on country roads while my wife was still asleep. I took a wrong turn somewhere and got completely lost. I didn't have my phone with me. I eventually found my way to a very small one-story building with a couple of offices. One of the offices was some sort of insurance company. I went in and politely explained my situation to the woman at the front desk. She seemed very nervous about me, but she let me use her phone. I tried calling my wife, but she was still asleep, so I went to the front of the building and just sat down. I was there probably an hour, and went into the office again. For some reason, a clean-cut middle-age 52 year-old guy wearing a Columbia triathlon t-shirt must've fit her description of an axe murderer, because she was very cautious, and I could tell she didn't believe my story. I convinced her to let me use the phone, and I called my wife again, but no answer. Now she was probably enjoying lunch. She wasn't concerned about me being missing, because she was used to me being out on runs for hours. So I went back outside the office building and waited some more. Finally the man from the building came out and started quizzing me like a detective, asking me all sorts of questions. By now, it was probably 3pm. I eventually won him over, or maybe he just wanted to get rid of me, because he agreed to give me a ride to the inn. While in the car, I could tell he was a bit on edge and still didn't believe my story. I dunno - maybe some really creepy stuff happened in that town. When I finally made it to the inn, my wife was sitting on the porch with a glass of wine. She greeted me with "hey - how was your run?" as if nothing had happened. We still laugh about that story, although I still remember how I felt like they were so suspicious of me.

[Joe in PNG]

Was jetskiing at a party, and one of the other guys fell off his. Figured I'd zap by, do a sharp turn, and splash him.
I turned a bit more sharply than anticipated, and launched myself at a pretty good velocity.

And no, I was not drinking when that brilliant idea came along.

[TGS]

What’s with the trend of detail analyzing the fail?



Really I don’t need detailed instructions of how and why you messed
Something up.


Lanny Basham - with winning in mind - he shot a 99% perfect rifle match. Some dipshit asked what happened on that one

“I don’t know. Wouldn’t you rather hear about the shots I made and how to do that?”

Paraphrased but the point it clear.

Failing quickly doesn’t burn up mental energy like obsessions over unchangeable pasts

Huh? Was this meant for a different thread?

[Duke]

Huh? Was this meant for a different thread?

There are several “Worst/stupidest” threads on various topics of horrible bosses, personal mistakes, bad coworkers etc


Just don’t understand wanting to pay energy to it all. I suck at enough things and have had enough worst/stupidest exposure on my own without absorbing that of others

[nalesq]

Spring 1999. My then wife and mother of my children, along with everybody else we knew was pregnant. I attended or discussed dozens of OB/GYN appointments with dozens of folks. My cousin is an OB/GYN. I was was getting extremely good at estimating how far along somebody was with in a week or two.


One lovely saturday, at a bookstore, I start talking with a positively glowing (face/hair/eyes etc) friend of a friend. When the subject of pregnancies comes up, I then guestimate her gestation at 18 weeks.

OOPS-she was just an attractive CURVY/ZAFTIG/THICQUE young lady with an excellent hygiene regimen and NOT pregnant at all.

Never is a long time word and I have never estimated gestation again.

I was at a party and a woman with a significant belly (but she otherwise appeared slender) was wearing a T-shirt that said “I’m not fat; I’m just stuffed with love.”
So I asked her when she was due. She replied rather huffily, “I’m not pregnant!”


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[GearFondler]

I was just a stupid 4th grade kid when this happened but it still makes me cringe...
Nick, the class clown suddenly fell out of his desk during class, curled up and started shaking.
I immediately thought he was being a goof and so I walked over and kicked him in the ribs before the teacher even knew what was happening.
And of course she realized he was having a seizure and proceeded to administer what aid she could. And of course, all the other kids once they realized it was a serious situation let the teacher know that my dumbass had kicked him.
I still feel like an asshole about that one even though I had never even heard of seizures.

[Paul D]

In college, I was on a dinner date with this girl. During dinner, I excused myself to use the restroom. The restroom at this place was single toilet unisex type. When I got in there it smelled bad. Someone before me must of taken a huge dump. I mean it smelled like Bigfoot's dick with burnt pubic hair. I took a pissed with my breath held most of the time. When I was done, I opened the door to find my date waiting outside to use the facilities. Oh fuck, now she'll think I did this. Instant denials spewed. The rest of the date was fine but that killed any after-dinner hopes.

[Paul D]

There are several “Worst/stupidest” threads on various topics of horrible bosses, personal mistakes, bad coworkers etc


Just don’t understand wanting to pay energy to it all. I suck at enough things and have had enough worst/stupidest exposure on my own without absorbing that of others


I have had personal failures that were painful but I was fortunate enough to learn from them and be a better person. I am sorry this thread brings out negative feelings for you. However, I found the stories here so funny and totally relatable. I think I have experienced or committed nearly all to the faux-pas mentioned here. Totally been there....except for Blues and BBI cop stories...yeah, no...don't want live that stuff. :cool:

[TGS]

There are several “Worst/stupidest” threads on various topics of horrible bosses, personal mistakes, bad coworkers etc


Just don’t understand wanting to pay energy to it all. I suck at enough things and have had enough worst/stupidest exposure on my own without absorbing that of others

I think you're misinterpreting the purpose of the thread and being overly dramatic about it.

It's about awkward situations, is all. No "fail to be analyzed". It's not about sucking, bad things in life, "obsessing over unchangeable pasts" or whatever. I was chatting with friends and was reminded of how awkward it was to listen to Dave Grossman give us a lecture about sex. It was just weird. Awkward. Especially with the look of intensity on his face as if he hadn't taken a shit in 10 years, while forcefully sucking coffee through the lid in an hyperbolic way.

Not anything that should be harshin' your mellow.

[Caballoflaco]

TGS you also get cross-thread bonus points with ear-worm thread...damnit.

[TGS]

TGS you also get cross-thread bonus points with ear-worm thread...damnit.

Well what can I say, every once in a while it works out if I ignore the advice to don't go chasin' waterfalls....

[TheNewbie]

Thank you.

Mostly I feel like what I post is just noise.

Got quite an extensive history of failure and needless risk. I can be consumed by negativity and darkness very easily.


I’ll never be mr positivity but I do try and focus on what’s going well in most aspects



I agree that you can't focus all on the negative, but some fail and/or awkward stories are simply hilarious. That's how I take this thread, funny embarrassing stories. They are a lot more interesting to me than most people's success stories.

Like when I was trying to get an autistic kid out the street that had ran away from a domestic dispute. I got out of my patrol car to go after him, only to realize my patrol was rolling away from me because I had not put it in park. Somehow I was able to get both my car and the kid wrangled up, I can only imagine how good that video would have been, and stood holding the kid while he screamed like crazy. A young woman walking by offered to help with the kid, and she took him until other units arrived. Well the kid bit her on the face.

That was an embarrassing day for sure. A good day in that the kid didn't get hurt, but it was embarrassing. lol

[blues]

I got out of my patrol car to go after him, only to realize my patrol was rolling away from me because I had not put it in park. Somehow I was able to get both my car and the kid wrangled up...
That was an embarrassing day for sure. A good day in that the kid didn't get hurt, but it was embarrassing. lol

That just reminded me of something I'd completely forgotten about. I'd never locked myself out of a vehicle previously, but somehow during a 9 month undercover assignment I managed to do it twice. Fortunately the cars were parked away from the location, (and they were cars I was loaned so I wasn't used to them, my only defense), but it was quite a pulse raiser for me hoping none of the bad guys would happen by to give me a hand. :rolleyes:

[TheNewbie]

That just reminded me of something I'd completely forgotten about. I'd never locked myself out of a vehicle previously, but somehow during a 9 month undercover assignment I managed to do it twice. Fortunately the cars were parked away from the location, (and they were cars I was loaned so I wasn't used to them, my only defense), but it was quite a pulse raiser for me hoping none of the bad guys would happen by to give me a hand. :rolleyes:


That made me forget something too!

The particular cruiser in the story had the idiotic auto lock feature. When you shut the door it automatically locked. It's an ok setup for a regular car, but not a patrol car. Thankfully my window was down so after trying to pull the door open, I reached in and hit the unlock button and saved the day. Well almost, I got out of the car and once again it started rolling. Then I got it in park for good.

It was the worst car we had. Yes blame the car. :D

[blues]

That made me forget something too!

The particular cruiser in the story had the idiotic auto lock feature. When you shut the door it automatically locked. It's an ok setup for a regular car, but not a patrol car. Thankfully my window was down so after trying to pull the door open, I reached in and hit the unlock button and saved the day. Well almost, I got out of the car and once again it started rolling. Then I got it in park for good.

It was the worst car we had. Yes blame the car. :D

That was the deal with these cars...it was 1982-1983. I'd never owned a car that locked upon door closure. Drove me nuts, but after it happened twice, I made sure it never happened again.

[BehindBlueI's]

When I was 15 I started working construction with my dad. He worked for a guy who's last name was "Looney" and who's nickname was "Slab head" and lived up to both. I worked with them whenever I was out of school, but worked for various restaurants, mostly Pizza Hut, while school was in session. Probably not coincidentally, I started drinking at 15. Anyway:

I think I was 16 or 17 when this occurred, but can't recall exactly. We got rained out and Slab took the crew to a nearby Pizza Hut in the early afternoon on a weekday. Something like 3pm on a Tuesday, very off hours for a restaurant which will be important later. I think we were going to go back to work after the rain per the original plan, but that never happened. We ate and drank several pitchers of beer while the place was empty except for us. Some guy came in with his son, who I'd guess was about 6-8 years old.

The man gave his son a dollar for the jukebox. The first song played and it was Alvin and the Chipmunks singing "Achey Breaky Heart". Slab head kinda winced and visibly struggled with himself but said nothing.

The second song played and it was...also Alvin and the Chipmunks singing "Achey Breaky Heart." Slab hollered across the restaurant and asked the man how many times the song was going to play. After a hurried consultation with the boy it was determined that he'd used the entire dollar on that one song repeatedly, which was either 5-6 times it would play in a row. I don't recall exactly now. Slab told the waitress to unplug the jukebox. She refused. Slab demanded a manager.

The manager came out and Slab told him he needed to stop the jukebox from playing that song again. The manager told him since the kid had spent his money he got to hear whatever songs he wanted. Slab then said something to the effect of "If that fucking jukebox plays Alvin and the Chipmunks singing "Achey Breaky Heart" one more fucking time I will gather up a couple of these guys and throw it through your fucking front window into the grass." Literally everybody realized he was serious. Us, the dad/son combo, the waitress, and most importantly the manager. My memory is a little fuzzy at this point. I thought he unplugged it as I was originally typing this, but upon further reflection I'm pretty sure he told the waitress to do it and he went and refunded the dollar to the dad/son combo (who left shortly after). I'll have to ask Dad next time I talk to him, he'll probably remember. Either way, it got unplugged and the manager disappeared into the back. I really figured he was calling the police and was rather anxious to leave (being a drunk teenager in public with a group I knew had dope on them and at least of whom were likely to fight), but Slab said everything was fine and we could have a few more pitchers of beer before we left. And he was everyone's ride...so we did, with no further developments.

[45dotACP]

A long time ago.

In those days I worked for a State Adult DOC. I worked outside of facilities moving/transporting prisoners in state and out of state. We worked in business attire.
One of my regular assignments was to take offenders to out of facility medical appointments and procedures. After you do this for awhile the staff in these practices get to know you.

I was involved in a traffic accident out of state, after having dropped off my prisoner at the destination facility. Pretty good thump, a semi rear ended me and launched my partner and I down the side of the road 100 yards or so. A few weeks later I am experiencing lower back pain. The possible cause of was in the opinion of the God like back/spine Doctor was "Alarming". I was sent to a diagnostic practice for a MRI of my lower back at a facility that I had been to on duty perhaps 50 times. They actually opened a slot for me when they figured out who it was for, and I was able to get in in a few hours, instead of 10 business days.

Coincidentally it was my 7th Anniversary and my used to be Wife and I enjoyed a robust intimacy when privacy allowed. The kids were gone for the week end and plans had been made to close the drapes and lock the doors.

When I arrived I was greeted like a I was a big deal. As they situated me onto the table I displayed some visual discomfort as I anticipated being slid into the narrow donut hole, and remain there for 30 plus minutes. These three ladies all took turns giving me advice on passing the time, one noted that it wasn't uncommon for some people to go to sleep "in their happy place". So I was advised to relax, think good thoughts, and go to my happy place...Roger That.

I remember being in the tube when the procedure started, it was really noisy and confining. I took some deep breaths to relax and closed my eyes to think happy thoughts. Which led me to the Friday night through Sunday morning game plan. I dozed off, only to remember being startled awake by the Gladys Cravits like voice over the speaker informing me the procedure was over. As I came to full conciseness I realized that in my happy place I had enjoyed a dream of epic Porn Hub proportions, and it showed. I began to bite my lip in hopes it might help me counteract the obvious results of my happy place dream. When the table was all the way out, there was a pause, and then it was suggested if I wanted to get off the table and go to the changing room that would be "fine".

As I shuffled past the observation window, they were all busy doing stuff with their backs turned.

I got dressed and found it difficult to not laugh despite my embarrassment.

When I returned to the counter and signed out these ladies were stone faced and sterile. As I was being informed of the date I could expect the results it was casually mentioned that they observe the procedure in real time.

Not another word was spoken as I made my exit...

I would return to this diagnostic facility many more times over the next few years.

It was still awkward.

I get patients who are extremely modest.

I usually tell them "it's just another face in the crowd"

Some laugh, some ask for a new nurse...but who wants to pass meds to a square all day?

Typically, at where I work, we hesitate to use any type of indwelling catheters, so the ones we use for females are basically a maxi pads with suction, and the ones for males are basically a condom attached to a tube. There are different sizes (small medium and large) and my fellow nurses tend to misjudge the one they need. This is important later.

My colleagues are by and large, females, so I am often called to put the condom catheter on the dudes...tends to help with any erm...changes in the size of the condom needed.

So as a new nurse with a not yet well developed bedside manner, I found myself in a patient room to place a condom cath. The patient had been removing it to get the girls to put new ones in him and told me as much.

Lonely guy I guess.

I didn't have the right size so I asked my colleague to bring me an external catheter. She asked which size, to which I quietly said "small please"

She heard me. But as the patient was her patient she felt he was more of a medium. I asked quietly again for the small. And again she said she thought he needed a medium.

At this point, I went to the supply room and grabbed the "sizing chart" which was basically a piece of cardboard with semicircles cut out of it for the various sizes, went back into the patients room, put the chart around his member, looked my colleague in the eyes and said "this man does not have a large penis. He does not have a medium penis. He has a small penis. "

He asked for a new nurse the next day who was neither me nor my colleague.

He got me.

After all, I was the only guy in the unit.

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