Favorite Colloquialisms

[RevolverRob]

Joe in PNG’s quote describing a generally crazy person as “having more issues than National Geographic” - prompted me to think about some of my favorite colloquialisms and variations thereof.

“It was like watching a monkey trying to fuck a football.” - This one never fails to make my wife snort in laughter.

“They are a few neurons short of a full set.”

“I gotta race like a piss horse!” (One stolen from my dad)

“I don’t have a horse in this fight.” (Stops people cold)

—

What are some of your favorites?

[luckyman]

My Polish friends are fond of “not my monkeys, not my circus”.

[kwb377]

Describing something/someone unattractive as looking like "a bag of smashed assholes".

[0ddl0t]

sweatin' like a whore in church
slicker than snot on a doorknob

[LOKNLOD]

I use the circus/monkeys one at work quite often. I like to pepper as many quirky phrases into my work discussion because if we're going to have this damn many meetings and calls, I'm going to make somebody chuckle. Probably not my best career move. :cool:

"...riding a gravy train with biscuit wheels..."
"...get your fecal matter coagulated..."
"beat with an ugly stick" plus more extreme variant, "...fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down..."
"wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which fills up faster"
"shit or get off the pot"
"like shoving a wet noodle up a wildcat's ass"
"like trying to push a wet rope up a sandpaper ramp"
"about as focused as a picture of bigfoot"
colder than... "a witch's tit in a brass bra" or "a welldiggers ass in january"
hotter than..."the devil's jockstrap"
eta: subsequent posts triggered these to come to mind:
dumber than..."a sack of wet hammers"
"wouldn't piss down his throat if his guts were on fire"
"if bus hit him tomorrow, I'd send the driver flowers"

[Caballoflaco]

From Honduras: Hijo de la verga! / son of a dick!


Colder than the tits on a Siberian bitch-wolf in January.

[Totem Polar]

Of the obvious:
"sticks out like a boner in a tulip patch"

Of the weather:
"Raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock"

Of people:
"Dumb as an acre of mud/box of rocks"

"waste of carbon/waste of evolution"

"As sharp as a blue marble"

"Brains that run on sailboat fuel"

"An ambulatory cloud shaped like a fucking moron"

On ideas/situations/events/products:

"not my cup of tea, mostly because I don’t like pieces of shit in my tea"

[Maple Syrup Actual]

My grandmother, who was a nun until she met my quite amazing grandfather, used to describe people who were overdressed as "all gussied up like a pimp at a garden party."

This is a bit of a sidebar but she was nearly blind yet read voraciously with a huge magnifying glass, smoked 20 colts a day and lived to be 90 and was an unusually kind person, as well as unusually smart, and the combination made her both wise and funny.

She once cracked to my sister that if she married a man who wasn't especially bright, and wasn't especially nice, that she'd have to be satisfied with his other talents. But, she said, lighting another colt, "they seem to get worse at all three as they age."

Another one of her offhand cracks that stuck with me was her sole exception to her usual policy on drinking. She never drank alcohol, except when she had to move, which she hated. "There's only one way to do it," she said. "Get half drunk, throw your things in a box, and let a couple of strong men carry everything for you." She really was very funny. My grandfather adored her.



My dad would describe a small room as "not enough space to swing a dead cat in." I remember the first time I heard him say it - he rarely spoke at all, so his occasional comments were often pretty memorable. We were looking at a house that my parents were thinking about buying and he walked into a room as said it so matter-of-factly that it sounded as though that was the whole reason he'd checked the room in the first place. I was about ten and couldn't imagine why he'd be concerned about that but he was fairly strange so I just accepted that that had been his plan. He did kill the neighbour's cat when I was about seven or eight and so I thought it must be some kind of gutting-cleaning step I didn't understand. It was years before I heard the expression again and when I head someone say it I did a full spit-take with a beer.


I had a friend in the executive protection game who ran across a client he very briefly handled - I mentioned this in another thread recently but he took a common expression to the extreme by saying "if he was on fire, I wouldn't feed the marshmallows I toasted to a dog that bit my kid."


And somewhere I have a recording of an extremely famous firearms instructor deadpanning the line (I think in regards to a very gamer-focused 1911) "that's as wrong as two boys fucking."

Same guy, also on tape, to a vegan: "you are a god damn predator. The grass eaters have eyes on the sides of their head."

I mention the above with no ill will at all, I think the world of the guy and those aren't meant to show that he's mean or old-fashioned. He's got a dry sense of humour. Still, I won't mention his name just on the off chance somebody gets bent out of shape about it.



I'm out for the moment but now that I'm thinking of the things I've heard from famous firearms instructors I love, I'm sure I could fill a post just with stuff Craig has said. All his expressions are foreign to me at least, him being from the south, of course.

[Maple Syrup Actual]

Of people:
"Dumb as an acre of mud/box of rocks"


This is a terrible, though funny, revelation for me. Many years ago, I had a longstanding disagreement with someone and, coincidentally, was working the door at a pretty sketchy bar. The guy who was supposed to be on with me one busy summer Saturday hadn't shown up and I was out there by myself when the guy I had never really gotten on with walked up and, without a word, swung an Estwing framing hammer at me. I ducked and he caught just the slightest glancing blow on my head but it wasn't fun and it took a chip out of my skull and I can still feel the missing little bit.

Anyway, I always thought out of guilt, the guy who was supposed to be out there with me spent ages afterwards talking me up, and he said I was "tough as a box of rocks" so many times that people at that bar began to call me "Box of Rocks" and later just "Box".

I did not realize until this exact moment that they were making fun of me. But presumably they knew the expression as "dumb as a box of rocks" and thought it was hilarious that I responded so genially to it.

[Totem Polar]

Uhhh... did anyone ever refer to you as "tough as a bag of dicks," perchance? Just asking...

;) ;) ;)

[Darth_Uno]

“He’s nuttier than a squirrel turd” - an eccentric person, who may or may not also be legitimately crazy.

“Toad strangler” - a heavy downpour. Also, “raining like a cow pissin’ on a flat rock”.

“Runs like it’s got a warrant” - an older vehicle or machine that’s still (mostly) functional, at least until you’ve paid me for it

“Butter my ass and call me a biscuit” - used to acknowledge an unexpected turn of events. Can be good or bad.

[JRB]

"Couldn't pour water out of a boot with the directions written on the heel"
"Couldn't find his/her own ass with both hands and a map"
"Twelve inches shy of a footlong"
"Should have been swallowed"
"Couldn't fight his/her way out of a wet paper bag"
"Confused as a toddler in a titty bar"
"Fuck factory" - elevated level of "Shit show" to describe an organization or event.
"10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag"
"Sewage fishing"/"Fishing in shit" - someone wasting effort to achieve highly unrealistic/impossible results at great risk/detriment to themselves of the mission.

[Darth_Uno]

And how could I forget, “Someone took a dump in his gene pool.”

[Totem Polar]

I hate to disturb the guy while he’s busy, but I’m going to ping Giving Back, because I know he’s dropped some gems just posting here about regular P-F thread shit over the years.

[Maple Syrup Actual]

Oh - these aren't exactly colloquialisms, but they are local jargon which I grew up with and love: when I was little, people would describe anything that was big, or strong, or well-constructed, as "skookum". If you had skookum roof racks you could carry an aluminum boat. If you were tying the boat down, the knots had to be pretty skookum. I knew a guy was from my area once when I was applying for a job and he said "you could probably handle it, you look pretty skookum."

Similarly we used the expression "the chuck" for any big water, and "the salt chuck" for the ocean, obviously. You'd come in and someone would say "you look sunburned" and you'd say "yeah, I was out on the salt chuck all day." That meant you weren't in a little bay, you were in the big water. If you were in a bay you'd probably call it just the chuck. To the same question you might say "yeah, I was hauling traps on the chuck all day."

These two (Chinook or Chinook jargon, I'm not sure which) words come together in the place name Skookumchuck, which is not too far from where I live now, and the site of spectacular tidal flows.

[Joe in PNG]

I have described a few folks as having a "rectal cranial inversion".

[UNM1136]

Easier than a fat girl in a tube top.

pat

[JAD]

I knew loknload would bring it. I married an okie and she is a fountain of these.

Poor as Job’s turkey.

Knew him since Jesus was a corporal.

That new dress washes like a glove.

David Crosby said of Neil Young that he was “strange as snake suspenders.”

Letterkenny exposed me to a new favorite: for dealing with a challenging problem, “how’re we gonna fuck this pig?”

[Chance]

"Busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest."

[NickA]

I love these things, and there's plenty of good ones in Texas, but I can never seem to remember them.

"Fucked up like a football bat"
"As messed up as a soup sandwich"

"Well bless your heart" is of course the polite Southern way of saying "go fuck yourself".

Maybe not a colloquialism, but when 2 (male) co-workers are arguing I'll usually give them a "Girls girls, you're both pretty" which I stole from somewhere. Doesn't ever help but it gives me a chuckle [emoji16]



Sent from my Pixel 3 using Tapatalk

[randyho]

"... lacking scatological cohesion"

[Jared]

Once upon a time a co-worker came up to help me with the job I was doing/had started. I asked how he thought we should proceed from there. His response was, “hey buddy, don’t ask me. You’re fucking this horse, I’m just holding the tail.” I’ve used that ever since to let folks know I’m not taking over the lead role in their projects.

[Backpacker]

I feel more like I do now, than I did a while ago.
No sh!t Sherlock
I wouldn't have that up my arse if I had room for 14 box cars.
Going to hell in a handbasket
If you get there first, make a mark. If I get there first, I will rub it out.

[Stephanie B]

"He's got more baggage than the QE2."

"Kid can't out-think a chipping hammer." (Favorite of a senior chief I served with, but you'd really need to add three F-bombs to it to be authentic.)

"He's got as much of a chance as a one-armed man in an axe fight."

"He's as stubborn as a mule and nowhere near as smart."

[Jim Watson]

In actual practice, I was frequently warned as a child: "You're going fishing, and you're going to catch it."
Almost as often: "Take it easy, greasy, you've got a long way to slide."

Bowlderized from a family expression: "It's raining cats and dogs and green eyed (African) babies."

"Dead as a doornail" was the usual in my culture, ... hammer or ... hatchet were literary.

[CCT125US]

You could hang him with a new rope, and he'd still bitch.

People are a plague upon society.

Like a cow looking at a new gate.

[DC_P]

"The defecation hit the oscillation."

"As sharp as a sock full of soup."

[cornstalker]

"I feel like I have been shot at and missed and shit at and hit"

"It's like jumping into a dog pen wearing milkbone underwear"

"You have your head so far up his ass I can't tell where he ends and you begin"

"Is that ass or back fat"

And kind of a bad one....

"If she'd feed that thing once in a while it would quit trying to eat her britches"

(Sorry...)

[awp_101]

Someone stupid:
Sharp as a sack of wet mice
Sharp as a bowling ball
A clown short of a circus
A french fry short of a happy meal
If brains were dynamite they couldn't blow their nose
If they had half a brain they'd be dangerous

Someone confused:
You look like a chicken watching a card trick
You look like a monkey doing a math problem

Heat related:
Hotter than a $2 pistol
Hotter than a $2 whore on nickel night
Hotter than a jalapeno in an ulcer

Not my problem:
I don't have a solution but I certainly admire the problem
I'm not roping this goat
Get your poop in a group

When I'm asked where someone is:
The circus called, they wanted their clown back

cornstalker reminded me of this one about feeling bad:
I feel like I've been eaten by a wolf and crapped over a cliff

[BehindBlueI's]

Knew him since Jesus was a corporal.

I've replaced that one with one I stole from a buddy who's a retired narcotics cop. "...since Jesus walked a beat in the hay district"

"Tighter than Dick's hat band."

"The game's not worth the candle." I actually stopped an Academy class with this one. I forget the topic under discussion, but the phrase means "even if I win it's not worth the investment it would take to do so" and I used it as such. The instructor asked me to explain the phrase and where it came from. As I understand it, it originated in late night low stakes gambling in mining camps. It was used derisively to indicate the candle burning so the game could be played was of more value then the pot being played for, hence "the game isn't worth the candle."

"Useless as a whistle on a plow/tits on a bore."

"Like shit through a goose." (speedily)

"Shaking like a dog shitting peach seeds."

[Cory]

That dog will hunt. - A good idea.
Since Christ was a corporal. - A long time.
Wouldn't say shit if they had a mouthful. - Someone who acts like they're too good for everyone.
Screwed the pooch. - Messed it up.
Pissing in the potted palms. - Acting crude when you shouldn't.
More fucked than a football bat. - Something is inherently wrong.
Useless as a screen door on a submarine. - This doesn't help.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. - Someone earned their outcome.
Piss up a rope. - Go fuck yourself.
Pissing in the wind. - Futile attempt at something.
Don't know if they should shit or go blind. - Someone is confused.
Couldn't find their ass with both hands and a map if you pointed out their balls. - Someone is dumb.
Sweatin like ___ trying to read. - Someone is stressed. Fill in the blank with any coworker's name.


I'm sure I use more, and funnier. But that's all that comes to mind at the moment.

-Cory

[okie john]

“Like a hog looking at a wristwatch” for confusion
“Uglier than homemade soap”
“Blacker than 10 feet up a bull’s ass” for darkness
“Busier than a stump full of ants”
“He’d nitpick a blowjob”


Okie John

[BehindBlueI's]

“Uglier than homemade soap”


I've always heard that one as "homemade sin."

[cornstalker]

"He was alive when the Dead Sea was still just sick"

"I'd rather dig my eye out with a rusty spoon"

"I'd rather be strapped naked to an ant hill"

[Stephanie B]

Foghorn Leghorn had a lot of good sayings (http://foghornleghornquotes.com/foghorn-leghorn-sayings/).

[awp_101]

Useless as portholes on a '54 Buick

They've got more (whatever) than Carter has pills

Cancel my subscription, I've had enough of your issues

[Caballoflaco]

Old man river- used to refer to folks of unusually advanced age of the appearance there of, especially if they’ll talk your ear off or give unwanted advice

[okie john]

I've always heard that one as "homemade sin."

She was from Kentucky.


Okie John

[BehindBlueI's]

She was from Kentucky.


Okie John

Well, I grew up at the KY border (some years on one side, some years on the other) and pretty much everyone in the two generations before me were born in KY or WV in either side of the family.

[Jhp147]

From the grandfather/grandmother file:
"Hold her Newt, she's a rair'in!'" (as in rearing up) was said as a remark to an adult dealing with a child crying or having a tantrum. Usually loudly with a smile and maybe in a way directed at the child to antagonize it, too. I guess it came from directing someone to calm a horse, he handled horses all his life off and on.
"Take off across the pea patch." Hurriedly leave where you are to get to somewhere else-as in if behind schedule or there was a real need to hurry. As in, "Yall better take off across the pea patch if you want to beat that snow."
"Not stop for wood, water, or coal." As in if you DO take off across the pea patch-not slow or stop for anything. Get somewhere without delay.
"Rougher than a stucco bathtub." Looking bad, or being violence prone. As in, physical appearance or feeling after bad illness or hangover OR describing the guy that you do NOT want to argue or fight with. For a woman, might be one with one prone to curse, fight, drink, or generally be "mean." ALSO see "Rougher than a cob."
"Blacker than old Coalie's goat." I don't know but he always said it about stuff that was VERY dark/black. No idea if "Coalie" is even spelled right, just know the guy must have had a very black goat.
"Whup you with a wet rope." A threat, serious or not, depending. Not real, he only used dry ropes, but wanted to get the point across.
"Three sheets in the wind." Pretty common one, usually referred to the house painter that drank Electric Shave because we were in a dry county.
,

[JohnO]

people would describe anything that was big, or strong, or well-constructed, as "skookum".

More commonly referred to as, "Built like a brick shit house".

My all time favorite and often used. Go shit in your hat and pull it down over your ears!

[BehindBlueI's]

"Blacker than old Coalie's goat." I don't know but he always said it about stuff that was VERY dark/black. No idea if "Coalie" is even spelled right, just know the guy must have had a very black goat.

I suspect this is a turn on "blacker than Coalie's ass" which refers to mules used in underground coal mines. The mule, like coalie himself, would have been coated in coal dust.

[psalms144.1]

"Rainin' like a cow pissin' on a flat rock" is one that gets chuckles every time I trot it out.

[John Hearne]

Two older ones:
“Cooked over split kindling” - really hot.
“A scow load” - a lot of something.

“Hungry enough to eat the ass out of a skunk.” - really hungry
“Grinning like a mule eating briars.” - smiling a lot.
“Not the sharpest tool in the shed.” - Taurus fan.

[0ddl0t]

shakin' like a shitting dog (or a dog shitting peach pits, jalapeños, razor blades, etc)
Turd cutters (ass/butt)
dick skinners (hands, especially dirty hands)
treated like a red headed stepchild

[Wondering Beard]

All hat, no cattle.

I'm too poor to buy cheap.

[Shoresy]

"runs like a raped ape"

[Hambo]

Two of my favorites:

Harder than woodpecker lips.
He didn't know whether to shit or wind his watch.

[NEPAKevin]

Go pound salt - Go F Yourself.

[JohnO]

Shit or get off the pot.

Drive it, park it or sell it!

[Totem Polar]

"Useless as tits on a cookstove"

"Since Christ was a carpenter"

And one I’ve used here, more than once:

"...could fuck up a wet dream". (eg. On the new P210: "Sig could fuck up a wet dream")

[Rosco Benson]

"That's all she wrote" - It's done. It can mean completed correctly or FUBAR'd such that there's no point in continuing.

My Dad used this, always in the FUBAR'd context. Being a kid, I thought "she wrote" was a one word description for FUBAR'd. I figure I'd have spelled it "shrote". My timing chain broke and now my engine is "all shrote". It wasn't until years later that I got it.

Guy Fierri often uses this on his triple D food show....in the positive context. He'll take a bite of some food, swoon with culinary pleasure, and say "that's all she wrote". It always makes me chuckle, as I have dad's version stuck in my head. Ha! Guy is telling this chef that his soufflé is FUBAR.

Rosco

[WDR]

When I worked in an equipment rental yard, our grizzled old mechanic used to tell folks, as he was explaining how to operate a piece of equipment: "If you don't know what lever A does... Leave'er B!"

[Jared]

Mother used to have one for when she was really surprised or shocked:

“I nearly shit and fell back in it.”

Great grandfather used to yell “Well shit fire!” when he was exasperated with something.

[willie]

Road to hell paved with good intentions
People in hell want ice water
As poor as Job's turkey
Have heard the wind blow before
One brick short of a load
Elevator is stuck
They fell out as in had a disagreement
She fell out as in fainted
Horny as a dog with two dicks
Want to jump your bones
She's unwell
Bonehead English or math
Sparking(flirting)
Can't run a jackass in Kentucky Derby
Casting pearls before swine
Smells like a boar hog
Butt ugly
Chickenshit
Scratch that itch
Climb a tree to tell a lie
Walk 12 miles to tell a lie
Nut up to as in challenge
Chinaman's chance

[BehindBlueI's]

Climb a tree to tell a lie


Oh, I used that one pretty recently in the long version. "That son of a bitch would climb a tree to tell a lie when he could stand on the ground and tell the truth."

"All assholes and elbows" - a group running in haste
" xxx went asshole over appetite" - to take a bad fall
"Shiny as a diamonds in a goat's ass"
"Fine as frog's hair"
"Rarer then hen's teeth"

Oh, and a tack on that's sort of a call and response:

Person 1: An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
Person 2: It'll keep anybody away if you huck'em hard enough (throw them hard enough)

[CCT125US]

I'd rather staple my nuts to a porcupine. - My response when asked if I wanted to go to the mall on a Saturday.

[GearFondler]

As welcome as a turd in the punch bowl.

[Chance]

"Close enough for government work."

[Pacioli]

Here's a few from cajun country, some funny to outsiders, some just interesting.

Ya'll get down (from the car.) An invitation to get out of the car and stay a while. Get down is probably a hold over from horse and buggy days.
He "took" the ditch. He ran off of the road in his car.
He "caught" a heart attack. I "caught" a flat (tire). Being on the receiving end of a misfortune.
I'm going to make groceries. Going grocery shopping.
Did you save the groceries? Putting the groceries away when you return home.

[Backpacker]

You don't know shit from Shinola (shoe polish)
Slower than smoke off shit
he went ass over tea kettle
dumber than a box of rocks

[Cory]

"If you gave em a $100 bill, he'd bitch it wasn't in twenties" - Someone who conplains.
"Ass over tea kettle" - Fell down.
"Fit to be tied" - Angry.
"Happy as a pig in shit" - Somone is happy.
"Ate up" - Someone or something is unsatisfactory.
"Flip a bitch" - Perform a U turn.

-Cory

[Jim Watson]

"Hold 'er, Newt, she's headed for the barn." Out of control, as the tractor left in gear.

"Better one house well filled than two spoiled." Both man and wife disagreeable characters.

"He would tell a lie when the truth would serve him better."

[Darth_Uno]

"Close enough for government work."

Yes, there's "Looks good from the bank," or "Looks good from my house." Meaning the quality of the work isn't that great, but the customer (hopefully) won't notice. In a reverse favorite colloquialism, this really pisses me off because that's not how I run my business.

[0ddl0t]

Some driving/trucking ones:

Georgia overdrive (putting a car in neutral and coasting downhill)
Sucking leather (when you almost crash: your asshole puckers so tight it sucks up seat leather)
Driving by braille (going all over your lane -- correcting when you hit the botts' dots)
Portable parking lot (car hauler)
Barn sour (when you go faster on the way home)
Care bear (police manning construction zones)
Plain wrapper (unmarked police car)
Bird dog (radar detector)
Travel agent (dispatcher)
Seat cover (pretty girl)
all show no go
gator (tire carcass)
rollin coal (when a diesel belches black smoke accelerating)

[Darth_Uno]

With a day to think about it, I got a few more.

"Count your fingers after you shake his hand" - said about a crook or dishonest person

"Your ass is grass", may include "and I'm mowing the lawn" - about to receive a beatdown, whether literal or in a test of skill

"If you're gonna screw me buy me dinner first" - when offered a deal in the other party's favor

"I remember my first beer" - when someone offers a juvenile opinion or solution

[JohnO]

The mother of all Colloquialisms.

Close enough for Government Work!

[Wondering Beard]

French Canadian one, that I heard decades ago: il marche a cote de ses pompes.

Translated: he walks besides his shoes; i.e. that guy is weird.

[revchuck38]

Here's a few from cajun country, some funny to outsiders, some just interesting.

Ya'll get down (from the car.) An invitation to get out of the car and stay a while. Get down is probably a hold over from horse and buggy days.


Actually, this is a literal translation from French, still used in contemporary French. The "stay awhile" is context-dependant. Pretty sure it is a holdover from horse-and-buggy days.

[DIESEL]

Someone who isn't real bright:
He's Only got one oar in the water.
He's a couple cans short of a sixer.

Someone just standing around when there's work to do:
Fuck, fight or hold the light!

Someone with unsolicited advise:
Hey, I'm fucking this pig.

When someone asks if the cheaper version is gtg:
Buy nice or buy twice. (My wife hates that I live this one)

[Stephanie B]

“Close enough only counts with horseshoes, hand grenades and hydrogen bombs.”

“I’d rather have an ice-water enema.” Which is what my brother said at his wedding reception when he was asked if he wanted to dance with his bride (37 years later, they’re still married.)

“He’s had one year of experience twenty times over.”

[OlongJohnson]

as useful as tits on a boar hog

cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey

a billy goat looking at a timepiece

Any line from "Office Space." Especially this one:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGsfUvkh2LE

[UNM1136]

One of my favorite Dan John (famous strength and conditioning coach) talking about bodybuilding physiques in college sports:

"Looks like Tarzan, plays like Jane"-all show and no go.

My dad always told me not to let my bulldog mouth override my pekinese ass.

pat

[cornstalker]

"Why do it right when you can do it twice?"

[DIESEL]

"Why do it right when you can do it twice?"

I always heard this as "anything worth doing is worth doing twice"

[JAD]

From Jack Furr, anyone worth shooting once is worth shooting twice.

[Oldherkpilot]

If it has wings, wheels, or tits it's gonna be trouble.

[fixer]

all hat, no cattle

sometimes you are the bug, sometimes you are the windshield.

If it don't go, chrome it

no replacement for cubic inches, except cubic dollars

not my circus, not my monkey

[cornstalker]

I always heard this as "anything worth doing is worth doing twice"

I like that one too, but two different meanings.

"Why do it right, when you can do it twice?" is derogatory for when you screw up and have to do it over again.

[BehindBlueI's]

"Close enough for government work."


Yes, there's "Looks good from the bank," or "Looks good from my house." Meaning the quality of the work isn't that great, but the customer (hopefully) won't notice. In a reverse favorite colloquialism, this really pisses me off because that's not how I run my business.


From my house framing days:

Can't see it from my house. (Not as a quality of work issue, as going along with a questionable aesthetic choice by the builder/home owner)

We ain't building a piano/violin -or- We ain't gonna fly it to the moon (it's framing, not cabinetry, you don't have to be that precise)

[ACP230]

An old mechanic I used to know often said: "Don't force it just get a
bigger hammer."

My great uncle used to say, "Here we have nine months of winter and
three months of bad sledding."
I am now old enough to say it myself.

[UNK]

Man shes pork chop ugly
Translation: shes so ugly her daddy had to tie a pork chop around her neck to get the dog to play with her.

Thats plumb fuckin retarded

[0ddl0t]

Put to pasture
one foot in the grave
quiet as a church house mouse
Put away wet
acute lead poisoning

[JRB]

A new one that came about during this trip to the sandbox;

We've got a younger E4 in another squad that everyone likes - very laid back latino kid from LA that everyone calls 'Chico'. His wit is sharper than hell and he's just one of those naturally hilarious people. But he has this bashful delivery like he feels bad about saying it most of the time. He's a kind heart and we love him for it.

He was telling us the story of where his sister's Quinceañera (basically a sweet sixteen party mixed with family reunion) went awry when the angry drunk uncle that always screws everything up brought his girlfriend nobody liked and her three hoodlum mid-late teenage sons to the party.
They all get a few beers in them and say something rather offensive to the birthday girl and one of her friends, and the ensuing melee rolled every fighting age male out into the parking lot. As other partygoers were trying to leave, the Police showed up and broke up the fight with a generous application of Sabre Red. He bashfully and hilariously described his involvement in that fight as "It wasn't my proudest moment, but it had to be done"

But because the fight blocked the main entrance/exit to the party venue, a few folks got caught in the pepper spray including a 10 month old baby in a baby carrier.
His telling of this story had us all rolling and I wish I could do justice to it - but the resulting colloquialism was;

"Time to mace this baby" meaning that we have to do something that sucks that'll have unintended, damaging consequences

Adjusted as needed to include 'baby got maced' etc.

[That Guy]

Like a cow looking at a new gate.

My girlfriend actually uses this one quite a bit. Seems like it's a pretty universal expression.


"Close enough for government work."

My pistol shooting has actually been described with those exact words... :p Although I do hope I've gotten a tiny bit better since then.

[Trigger]

If it flies, floats or f**ks: rent it.

Like a pig lookin at a wristwatch

Like a dog watching color TV

The RCA dog look

Busier than a one-armed paper hanger

Busier than a one legged man at an ass-kicking contest

With a face like a glazed donut

All out of Schlitz

Stripper money (just one dollar bills)

This ain’t rocket science/rocket surgery

Looks like hammered dog shit



Flying related:

Like a high-speed cheerleader (flew right by doing nothing)

Put the thing on the thing and press the thing

A Syrian Lead-turn (the Syrian MiGs would screw up the intercept and turn in front of the Israeli fighter)

All dick, balls and no forehead

Old age and treachery beats youth and a high g-tolerance

Two, Joker, Bingo, Mayday, Lead you appear to be trailing smoke, and I’ve got the fat chick (the only acceptable things a Wingman should ever say)

Haulin’ the mail

KMAGYOYO (Kiss my ass goodbye, you’re on your own)

Like the speed of heat

All out of ideas

[DC_P]

Foghorn Leghorn had a lot of good sayings (http://foghornleghornquotes.com/foghorn-leghorn-sayings/).

Bugs Bunny era cartoons (especially Foghorn and Daffy) had some of the best quotes ever. That list missed my favorite - "That boy is quieter than a caterpillar walking across a bed of moss wearing sneakers."

My favorite from Daffy - "Well, it was either him or me, and obviously it couldn't be me."

[awp_101]

I'd rather shave my eyeballs

You couldn't detect my interest with the Hubble telescope

When a delivery truck or forklift driver would start laying on the horn to get someone's attention one of our old techs would always say "Horn blows, how about the driver?"

[Jim Watson]

A flyer of my acquaintance had a list of pithy "Ten Commandments of Flying."
I recall only
Remember, the pilot is always the first at the scene of the crash.
Planes fly because of Bernouli, not Marconi.
then
What you don't say over the radio, you won't have to explain at the inquest.

[mmc45414]

Racing analogy: Good, Fast, Cheap, pick two.

Would you like a beer? Can't dance, and it is too wet to plow.

(Had I done that) My dad woulda kicked my ass so bad I would still need to take off my shirt to shit.

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[MistWolf]

"Just because it's rocket science, doesn't mean it's complicated." Usually to a clueless knucklebutt who tells me basic rocket science isn't rocket science.

"...my bird/pig..." Aircraft I shed blood, sweat & tears over everyday.

"You may be taking her to the dance, but she's still my daughter." Basically "You're in charge in the air, but it's still my aircraft."

"I made sure she was wearing panties when you took her out. She'd better be wearing panties when you bring her back." Aircraft is airworthy. Don't do anything stupid. Don't break anything.

"Some are lazy. Some are smart. Be lazy and smart." Transition: Be smart- Don't do things the hard way. Be Lazy- Follow all the steps and check your work as you go so you don't have to do it again.

'Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans."

"Sometimes the bear eats you. Sometimes he poops you out on the forest floor. The best you can hope for is a spot under a shady tree with a view of the valley below."

My father had quite a few. The two that had the greatest impact on my life are the following-
- "If you get thrown in jail, call and let me know where you'll be spending the night. If you weren't doing anything wrong, you should have been smart enough to get out of there before the cops arrived."

- "Who you are when there's no one around to tell you what to do, is who you really are."

[BehindBlueI's]

This is mostly Indiana specific but "Modocking" means driving fast and reckless. It supposed stems from Modoc Brothers trucking who had a reputation for the same. The company is long dead and the phrase is dying out as well.

[MistWolf]

A flyer of my acquaintance had a list of pithy "Ten Commandments of Flying."
I recall only
Remember, the pilot is always the first at the scene of the crash.
Planes fly because of Bernouli, not Marconi.
then
What you don't say over the radio, you won't have to explain at the inquest.

11th Commandant- Maintain Thy Altitude, Lest The Ground Reach up And Smite Thee

[Backpacker]

This is mostly Indiana specific but "Modocking" means driving fast and reckless. It supposed stems from Modoc Brothers trucking who had a reputation for the same. The company is long dead and the phrase is dying out as well.

As a fellow Hoosier, I heard this one growing up. I never knew the origin.

[Totem Polar]

"Like shit through a goose"

"Wouldn’t fuck him/her with your dick"

And, the seminal

"Like flies on shit" (not that anyone here needs an example, but, eg. when the LGS owner quoted me $475 OTD for that clean, NM prefix Springer Mil-spec, I was on that...)

[Shoresy]

"Wouldn’t fuck him/her with your dick"


"... and [3rd party] pushing"

[Shoresy]

"... and [3rd party] pushing"

ETA:

Also in a similar vein...
"Could eat corn on the cob through a chain-link fence"
"Summer teeth. Some are here, some are there..."
and
"Ugly enough to make a freight train take a dirt path"

[0ddl0t]

This is mostly Indiana specific but "Modocking" means driving fast and reckless. It supposed stems from Modoc Brothers trucking who had a reputation for the same. The company is long dead and the phrase is dying out as well.

Out west driving fast & recklessly is "running late for your funeral"
3 sheets to the wind (very drunk)
Yardsale (when a skier falls and spreads their gear all over the mountain)

aircraft ones:
Stick to the shiny ones (telling newbies not to mess with any switches that haven't been worn shiny by use)
Spare parts flying in loose formation (a helicopter, especially surplus)
Parked it (crashed)

[Baldanders]

Looking like you "did the 50-yard dash in a 49-yard gym."

[GearFondler]

Sweating like a whore in church

More nervous than a long tail cat in a rocking chair factory

Harder than woodpecker lips

Harder than a preacher's prick in a calf's ass

Hotter than the hinges on the gates of Hell

Hotter than a two dollar pistol

He doesn't know whether to shit or go blind (refers to a very confused/panicked person)

[Rex G]

Learned from my paternal grandmother, as a statement of exasperation: “well, fiddle sticks,” which can be shortened to “well, fiddle,” or, just “Fiddle.” Notably, if one has can catch an F-bomb in time, “Fiddle sticks” remains useful.

She was from Louisiana, but of German descent, not French.

[Rex G]

From one of my old girlfriends, an Arkansas hill girl, describing a very thorough a**-chewing: “He crawled up his a**, and fell out his nose.”

[Stephanie B]

11th Commandant- Maintain Thy Altitude, Lest The Ground Reach up And Smite Thee

One from Ernest K Gann: Rule books are made of paper. They will not cushion a sudden meeting of stone and metal.

One of my favorites: "Flying the Airplane is More Important than Radioing Your Plight to a Person on the Ground Who is Incapable of Understanding or Doing Anything About It."

[serialsolver]

At my old dept. reference taser deployment, “fried em like a piece of steak.”

“You keep that shit up an the only thing that’s gonna beat you to jail is the lights on the police car.”

“We don’t have participation trophies, we have handcuffs.”

From one of my favorite partners, “I may look stupid, but it’s just a disguise.”

When dealing with a bad problem that needs to be handled now, “I got a mule kicking in the stall.”

From my oldest uncle that ranched all his life, “ what happens in the corral, stays in the corral.”

When assessing the difficulty and complexity of a task at hand, “it’s gonna take a lot of gd’s and mf’s to get that done”.

When disrespecting sumdudes wife/girlfriend/ baby momma, “ he won her over with a coke an a candy bar”.

In reference to “not the sharpest knife in the drawer”, “he’s not a butter knife, he’s a wooden spoon”.

“If Cadillacs were a dime a dozen, all I could do is run up an down the hyway hollering ain’t that cheap.”

Coonfingerin, like “ stop coonfingerin that”, means put it down and leave it alone.

I don’t know how to spell it but it’s pronounced, Ching-ga-dare-a. I think it’s mexacan for thingmabob, doohickey, whatcamacallit.


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[Wondering Beard]

I don’t know how to spell it but it’s pronounced, Ching-ga-dare-a. I think it’s mexacan for thingmabob, doohickey, whatcamacallit.


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Kinda, except think more vulgar and a word which in English starts with 'F' and ends with 'K', maybe adding "ery" at the end.

[MistWolf]

As it was explained to me "Chingadera" is Spanish for "thingamajig". I was told it loosely translates into "damn thing" (but was told by another source, the more accurate translation is "f@&king thing").

A quick internet search also points to it meaning "POS".

[BehindBlueI's]

Looking like you "did the 50-yard dash in a 49-yard gym."

Ohh, I'm stealing that one.

[serialsolver]

As it was explained to me "Chingadera" is Spanish for "thingamajig". I was told it loosely translates into "damn thing" (but was told by another source, the more accurate translation is "f@&king thing").

A quick internet search also points to it meaning "POS".

I’m not arguing about the translation, please don’t take it that way.

I asked a second generation Hispanic that was our clerk at work who spoke Mexican and texmex and that was the definition given to me. My wife asked her friend at work (same background) and got the same answer.

I first heard it said by messcan construction workers who kinda grinned when I asked what it means, so I had my doubts about the meaning. Which is why I asked others.

Maybe the definition of the word has morphed or changed or depends on who or how it’s used. I’ve always been carful were I said it.

Sidebar; Ward Bond used the word in My Darling Clementine in 1946. The use of the word was either ok or the sensors didn’t know. Just a point of interest.

I’ll leave this thread drift with a phrase I’ve used that has changed with me.

“I’m just a dumb construction worker.”

“I’m just a dumb detective.”

“I’m just a dumb boomer.”

Back on topic, “technology is only as good as the user’s memory”.


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[MistWolf]

I’m not arguing about the translation, please don’t take it that way...
Not at all! I am by no means an expert in this subject. I used to work with a guy born in Mexico that, when he wanted a tool or something, he'd point and say "Hand me that chingadera, por favor." English was his second language and my Spanish virtually non-existent. I asked him what "chingadera meant and he looked a little embarrassed and said "In English, you say 'thingamajig'. But more too. It's not a nice word. Like-" He paused, grew redder, then said "English, it means 'damn thing'- or like that."

Later, someone told me "Chinga" is stronger language than that. They said "You know what 'Chinga la madre' means?" and left it at that.

Today, I searched the internet for the proper spelling and one of the definitions that came up was "POS" and another in line with what you mentioned. When I started on my response, being a slow typist, yours (and others) hadn't been posted yet. Being that English is my first and (unless you count Aviation Technolese) only language, I get that phrases can have multiple meanings. But when I say or hear "chingdera", to me it means "thingamajig".

[Wondering Beard]

I’m not arguing about the translation, please don’t take it that way.

Maybe the definition of the word has morphed or changed or depends on who or how it’s used. I’ve always been carful were I said it.



That's probably right. My experience with the folks who use it (in Mexico) has been that it's rather vulgar and while used widely, it's probably as vulgar as saying "this f**k**g fill in the blank".

I wouldn't be in the least be surprised that depending on the geographical location and/or company, a lot of the colloquialisms presented here could be looked upon as extremely vulgar or just common, or anything in between.

[Lex Luthier]

Not at all! I am by no means an expert in this subject. I used to work with a guy born in Mexico that, when he wanted a tool or something, he'd point and say "Hand me that chingadera, por favor." English was his second language and my Spanish virtually non-existent. I asked him what "chingadera meant and he looked a little embarrassed and said "In English, you say 'thingamajig'. But more too. It's not a nice word. Like-" He paused, grew redder, then said "English, it means 'damn thing'- or like that."

Later, someone told me "Chinga" is stronger language than that. They said "You know what 'Chinga la madre' means?" and left it at that.

Today, I searched the internet for the proper spelling and one of the definitions that came up was "POS" and another in line with what you mentioned. When I started on my response, being a slow typist, yours (and others) hadn't been posted yet. Being that English is my first and (unless you count Aviation Technolese) only language, I get that phrases can have multiple meanings. But when I say or hear "chingdera", to me it means "thingamajig".

An Irish-Mexican family were neighbors- the mom was a famous local restaurateur, and daughter of one of Pancho Villa's lieutenants. She would only use that term with a couple of glasses of wine on board, and her kids were rather strongly encouraged to not talk that way.

[Baldanders]

Not at all! I am by no means an expert in this subject. I used to work with a guy born in Mexico that, when he wanted a tool or something, he'd point and say "Hand me that chingadera, por favor." English was his second language and my Spanish virtually non-existent. I asked him what "chingadera meant and he looked a little embarrassed and said "In English, you say 'thingamajig'. But more too. It's not a nice word. Like-" He paused, grew redder, then said "English, it means 'damn thing'- or like that."

Later, someone told me "Chinga" is stronger language than that. They said "You know what 'Chinga la madre' means?" and left it at that.

Today, I searched the internet for the proper spelling and one of the definitions that came up was "POS" and another in line with what you mentioned. When I started on my response, being a slow typist, yours (and others) hadn't been posted yet. Being that English is my first and (unless you count Aviation Technolese) only language, I get that phrases can have multiple meanings. But when I say or hear "chingdera", to me it means "thingamajig".

In my neck of the woods, I wouldn't use it.

[serialsolver]

That's probably right. My experience with the folks who use it (in Mexico) has been that it's rather vulgar and while used widely, it's probably as vulgar as saying "this f**k**g fill in the blank".

I wouldn't be in the least be surprised that depending on the geographical location and/or company, a lot of the colloquialisms presented here could be looked upon as extremely vulgar or just common, or anything in between.

So true.

I remember when someone vapor locked over coonfingerin. She was on her way to file a ia complaint and asked me about it. I explained. The word was in reference to how a raccoon will go to water to wash his food or roll the food over in his hands/feet looking at it.

She thought it was a racist slur and still went and asked another person. She got the same answer.

I did have a prosecutor call me and asked what coonfingerin means in a witness statement he was reading. That conversation was more cordial.


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[revchuck38]

Being that English is my first and (unless you count Aviation Technolese) only language, I get that phrases can have multiple meanings.

I have a high functional level of usage in Vulgarian.

[Sero Sed Serio]

Busier than a two-dick dog in a breeding kennel

When my mom was growing up in NJ in the 60s parking on a date was “Watching the submarine races”

[0ddl0t]

I remember when someone vapor locked over coonfingerin.
I got a tongue lashing after correctly using the word "niggardly." It might not have been as bad had I been able to stifle my grin at their self righteous ignorance...

[BehindBlueI's]

"If you shit him gold eggs he'd bitch they were hard to stack"

[awp_101]

My DiL is from Mexico. I really should text her asking about Chingadera just to see what kind of fireworks I can get started...

[MistWolf]

I got a tongue lashing after correctly using the word "niggardly." It might not have been as bad had I been able to stifle my grin at their self righteous ignorance...

Been there. Done that!

[Totem Polar]

Been there. Done that!

#metoo (https://pistol-forum.com/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=metoo)

[OlongJohnson]

One from Ernest K Gann: Rule books are made of paper. They will not cushion a sudden meeting of stone and metal.

One of my favorites: "Flying the Airplane is More Important than Radioing Your Plight to a Person on the Ground Who is Incapable of Understanding or Doing Anything About It."

An old boss who was an old pilot used to say, "run out of altitude, airspeed and ideas all at the same time."


I've also heard "chingadera" shortened to "chingas." Was told it means the same thing.

[dogcaller]

“Why are you trying to break into jail?” Asked by my boss as I was about to stir up a hornets nest of trouble, with dubious chance of a successful outcome. I like it, and have stolen it.

[Lester Polfus]

"Well dip me in shit and fry me for a hushpuppy"

"I'd rather slam my balls in a car door"

"Like a chicken with a card trick"

[JRB]

I was born and raised and lived the majority of my life in New Mexico. It's rather difficult to do that without picking up at least *some* Spanish.

Chingas is basically 'Fuck' in Spanish. Chingadera is basically "Fuckin'thing" among the boys in a workshop or job site, pretty commonly used.
But if you're dating a Hispanic or Latino girl, don't ever let her mother hear you say that. Use it only around the men in her family after a few beers and when the women aren't in ear shot. Or at least, not until they use it first.

[Bigghoss]

"He's got his head so far up his ass he couldn't see the light of day if he were sitting on the surface of the sun with a telescope."

Of someone who spends money on something stupid: "He's got more dollars than sense."

[awp_101]

An old boss who was an old pilot used to say, "run out of altitude, airspeed and ideas all at the same time."

The two most useless things to a pilot in distress are the airspace above you and runway behind you

[JHC]

I used to work with a guy from Lubbock TX and he rolled all sorts of these I'd never heard before or since.

The only two that seemed to stick with me:

"He's lower than a snake's belly in a wagon rut."

". . . morals of a low born gutter slut."

[JHC]

Another one I recall hearing in the Army way back; not sure where geographically it came from but ". . . horny as a two pecker billygoat."

[Stephanie B]

The two most useless things to a pilot in distress are the airspace above you and runway behind you

Also, the air in your fuel tanks and the charts that you left in your car.

[NEPAKevin]

Cunnerman or Townie Cunnerman. Person of low birth. Referred to a local family, the Coutermans, the patriarch of which had a septic tank cleaning business and whose family was of mixed races and allegedly the family tree had some overlapping branches.

Butterface. Female who is perceived as attractive when viewed from behind or from the neck down i.e. "but her face."

[0ddl0t]

Tracers (Consumed food that you can recognize upon evacuation, e.g. corn)

[snow white]

Used when leaving an area. "I'm out like a fat kid in dodgeball"

[serialsolver]

Used when leaving an area. "I'm out like a fat kid in dodgeball"

Or, “I’m off like a prom dress.”


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[psalms144.1]

"In there like swimwear"
"Getting/got more ass than a toilet seat"

I'm sure someone's brought out "Fucked up like: a football bat / Hogan's Goat / Chicken Noodle on Rye / a Soup Sandwich"

[Backpacker]

One employer would say "You paint a pretty picture but your brush is full of shit".

[The Apprentice]

I've seen monkey shit fights at the zoo more organized than this

cant fix stupid

this aint a shut down its a let down (when a plant shutdown goes wrong)

its lesbian friday we don't do dick

dumber than a box of rocks

heats in the tools (stop bitching about being cold and start doing something)

whistle bit (late for break)

can't fit can't weld make him a foreman

fuck up move up program

dollar waiting on a dime

chaos = cash

I feel like hammered dog shit

its been fun but I've been run (something to say when you have been laid off)

I'm not here for a long time just a good time (when you know you are a short term higher)