My Kid is in the NICU

[Ptrlcop]

Ok first, posting shit like this in a forum is not typically my style. However, any resources I've found on this subject are by people who really don't share my worldview.

Last Sunday, my wife called me at work an said I needed to take her to the hospital because she thought he water broke (she was 33 weeks). We got to the hospital, who confirmed and sent her by ambo to another hospital that had a NICU. Monday and Tuesday they gave her meds to stop contractions, fight infection, and develop baby's lungs. Tuesday night she delivered my son(2nd child, first boy). Wednesday I spent making arrangements for our daughter and getting a sitrep on the boy. Wed night I took my daughter to swim class and dinner before dropping her with my brother in law.

By Thursday I felt like we were getting into a routine and I had everything set the way it needed to be for our stay at the NICU. The boy is doing well and there are no significant concerns. Friday, the routine continued and I began to realize that I have done what I needed to do and we are no longer in "emergency mode" and have settled into "sit and wait". At that point I started feeling myself get cranky because I didn't seem to have a useful purpose.

Today my daughter visited for a few hours (I think she thought I lost it with all my hugs) and we took her to lunch before she went home with family. After, my morale dropped again as I didn't have anything useful to do. My wife and I got into it a bit because I wanted to get her food and she didn't want to eat(me just looking to be useful I guess).

Anyway, I'm rambling. Anybody been through this? How did you cope? I'm not worried about the medical part right now. I'm just having a hard time having others take care of my family and not having something to contribute.

[RJ]

If your boy "is doing well", sounds like all will be ok.

If your wife and daughter are ok also, maybe take a break for yourself?

I can tell you, having to try and look after my mom through Alzheimer's at home was not fun. We had to get help.

Is there someone you can talk to local, brother, uncle, maybe just take you out for a bit of fresh air?

Hang tough. All will be ok in the end.

If it will help, you have my thoughts and prayers. Best wishes and may your little one get well soon.

Rich

[MDS]

Sucks, dude. FWIW, I can tell you I'd need some intense exercise. A hard uphill ruck or heavy lifting. I come back much more able to just be there.

Congratulations and good luck!

[breakingtime91]

Sucks, dude. FWIW, I can tell you I'd need some intense exercise. A hard uphill ruck or heavy lifting. I come back much more able to just be there.

Congratulations and good luck!

Yup. When my wife and I went through/go through something rough I always go and get a really good work out. Focuses my mind.

[Dagga Boy]

Different circumstances, but similar in "uselessness" when my wife was going through cancer treatment and later ended up dying. As cops...we are very used to working in crisis and getting things done. We are also control freaks I this regard.....even when not in our element, because....cops. When it comes to stuff like this, you are very much "not in charge". I won over a lot of folks during my wife's treatment on the medical,side because I had a very difficult discussion with myself, that against everything I would normally do, I had to fully surrender to the medical folks and let them do their jobs. I had to act like I wanted the non cops to act at crime scenes and situations I was running. I had to not be the guy who is always asking the professionals "why", being in the way, etc.
Once I got my head wrapped around it, I was always there to do exactly what was asked by staff. This got my wife better care. I bought food and drinks for medical staff. Anything my wife wanted was done with love.....and you have to pretend it is no big deal or they will not ask for help. My goal was to train my wife to be okay with needing help. Learn to recognize needs, and fill them....but fake that you are not "I got something to drink for myself and thought you may like some"....when reality was "you need some fluids, and I will pretend I need fluids".
Basically, you can't fix it....deal,with it. Work on the stuff you can. Also, it is critical to make your other child feel extra special and involved. Often in cases t
Like this feel left out, and this can lead to jealousy and some serious issues. Do what you can to allow your wife some quality time with your daughter as well.
Good luck, and be thankful to know your situation should get better everyday with a positive outcome. It really sucks when it is the other way around.

[Dagga Boy]

Sucks, dude. FWIW, I can tell you I'd need some intense exercise. A hard uphill ruck or heavy lifting. I come back much more able to just be there.

Congratulations and good luck!


Yup. When my wife and I went through/go through something rough I always go and get a really good work out. Focuses my mind.

Guys, don't take this wrong...but this was the biggest issue and brought on sheer vitriol amongst the medical staff treating my wife. All the husbands who were not around, or needed to be off doing their own thing to get themselves right. Trust me, your spouse in cases like this is FAR more stressed and worried as you, and as helpless to change the situation, and they don't get to go do a workout. This is a time to show that you can absorb boredom with discipline. I ll be honest, my whole internet gun forum thing is due to spending so much time with my wife while she was in treatment. It allowed me to go through it with her, and I wasn't mad at her choice in TV programming as she loved reality shows and home shopping network......two things I despise.

[SeriousStudent]

My congratulations on the birth of your son. Remember to start buying .22 ammo for him, so you guys can go out shooting in a few years.

Reaching out to the medical staff is very, very wise advice.

As a patrol cop, you have always been the rock of safety in a sea of crisis, as other have said. This is a different type of issue, but you are still that rock for your family. You will excel, I have no doubt.

[MDS]

Guys, don't take this wrong...but this was the biggest issue and brought on sheer vitriol amongst the medical staff treating my wife. All the husbands who were not around, or needed to be off doing their own thing to get themselves right.

I hear you. Sometimes I find myself being more of a hindrance than a help, though, contributing to an unhealthy environment. I'd rather be gone for an hour and come back recharged and able to contribute positively. I'm not talking about disappearing for days - just an hour to rage and shower. When I was hospitalized, I was glad my loved ones didn't forget to take care of themselves.

Definitely a personal choice, and I'm totally not shocked that nyeti's advice is to HTFU. ;)

[JohnO]

Anybody been through this? How did you cope?

Yes. My youngest was born at 32 going on 33 weeks. My wife went into labor and the docs were unable to stop it. He spent 2 weeks in the NICU. He came home just under 5 pounds. He is 14 years old now and healthy. At the onset when my wife's OB recognized what was happening he gave her the steroid that aids in or helps the baby's lung development. An Amniocentesis was performed to check lung development and the results were not good. My wife wanted and we had our son baptized in the delivery room.

My first thought is 14 years of progress in medicine has to be on your side. It was scary right in the beginning. I visited the NICU at all hours and multiple times per day. I don't think there were two times that I saw my son's IV in the same spot since his veins were so fragile. He made fantastic progress and the NICU Docs constantly told us every day that he was ahead of where they expected him to be. He was filled with tubes. He had one in his umbilical cord, a NG tube going in his nose and the IVs.

Since this was child number four we had been around the block a few times already. Especially with my oldest son who should have been a C- section birth but wasn't. The OB on call was the doc from the group who kept telling us that just because our daughter was a c-section the next one didn't have to be. This guy was pushing VBAC. Well my oldest son was pulled out with forceps. He had Apgar scores of 0 and Bells Palsy from nerve damage in his face from the forceps. Through a long process over time (at about 15 months) he was diagnosed with Lack of Oxygen and an Insult to the Brain at birth.

We and my son got through it. At about 2 years old it was like a switch flipped and he got over all his problems including the Bells Palsy. Today he is 22. He graduated college this past May. He is a Krav Maga instructor, former Eagle Scout and now employed as a management trainee in a good company. And to my chagrin he is now registered with the California state athletic commission and recently just won his first sanctioned MMA fight.

We have been through some health issues with my oldest daughter too. Fortunately all 4 kids are happy and healthy. So as a parent expect a bumpy road. Be happy when it isn't bumpy. Take care of yourself and your family and you will get through this.

FYI. There are known issues that children born prematurely can experience. We have dealt with some of them. Be on the lookout for this and speak to your pediatrician. My son has had to work through a few learning disabilities mainly with processing and he starting reading relatively late. However it was very obvious he was highly intelligent. I would just look into issues associated with premature birth so you will be aware should anything turn up.

My best to you, your family and your new son.

P.S. Thinking about this brings back memories. My youngest was born in April 2001. He was 5 months old in my arms the morning of 9/11/2001. I was feeding him and watching the morning news when the world changed. The day before I drove my aunt, uncle and cousin to my Brothers daughter's baptism in NJ. Driving home we marveled at the beautiful NY skyline as we passed by Manhattan. We had no idea what we were looking at would be gone in hours.

[CakeEater]

Anybody been through this? How did you cope? I'm not worried about the medical part right now. I'm just having a hard time having others take care of my family and not having something to contribute.

My family has dealt with this for all three kids. All three occasions, we had a tremendous amount of support from family and friends. Here's my take on the situation:
1: Mama and baby boy are ok. Give thanks and continue to focus on taking care of business.
2: Family/friends/medical personnel supporting your family is an opportunity for them to serve you and yours. I constantly have to encourage my Marines to view our assistance as an opportunity to serve them vice some ill-perceived weakness/pride issue. Sometimes those of us who serve need to allow others to serve us/our families.
3: Mirroring previous comments, take time out for a daddy-daughter date. Time is precious and it gets harder to spend quality time with the kids.
4: Every little thing can set you off when you're caught off guard with a funky situation like this. Continue to hit up brothers who have been through similar situations so you can talk through the insanity. By the time I got to our third, I was pretty chill to the point some folks accused me of not caring about my wife going through a life threatening situation. I learned to understand that there were things outside of my control.
5: Your contribution to the situation is being a supportive husband and loving father. Let the docs/nurses handle the medical and remember to thank your in-laws.

Keep on trucking and don't be afraid to vent. All 3 of my kids went through all the steroid shots/exams/concerns with being a premie. Nobody can tell any of the kids had any issues or were in the NICU for months. Matter of fact, most of our friends wonder how such wonderful kids came from one of Uncle Sam's Misguided Children! Guess they HTFU?

Semper Fi!

[Cookie Monster]

I don't know if I have much or anything to add but prayers and good thought for you and your family.

[Jim Watson]

From what I have seen of my little buddy Jack, the 24 week sole survivor of TTTS twins, and his parents, there is no easy answer. You just Do The Next Thing.

And now Jack is doing well, I sent him a Due Date card in lieu of a first birthday card.

[Hambo]

A friend's first grandson was born at about the same gestational period last year. He's had some rough times, but basically he's good to go.

Next, we are control freaks, it's just how we roll. Now you're not in control and as Nyeti says there is a need to surrender to those who know what they're doing. However, my wife has been a nurse for thirty years and she'd be the first to tell you to ask all the questions you want. You can't fix it or change things, but it's your right to know what's going on with your son. Understanding exactly what's happening will lessen your anxiety.

What you can do is take care of yourself and your wife. Exercise, eat healthy, get some sleep, don't drink too much. Do something nice for your wife.

Finally, I offer my prayers for you and the family.

[JAD]

My boy was born under the same circumstances. All was well with him but he couldn't stay awake to eat, so we spent a month in NICU. My wife has a fairly adversarial relationship to doctors so my job was to maintain diplomatic relations with staff while trying to peel boy out of there. It was a tough steer but we made it. Griffin is awesome now.

[Casual Friday]

Anybody been through this? How did you cope?

The most important thing is for you to be there as much as possible and realize that being there is the most useful thing you can do. My wife was pretty much either in bed sick or in the hospital the entire pregnancy with our youngest daughter. I lost count how many times she was admitted for 3-5 day stretches. It was the longest 9 months of my life. Like nyeti said, a smart phone and gun forums helped take my mind off the situation. When I would antsy and restless I would take a walk around the hospital floor and take the stairs down to the first floor. That was the longest route to the cafeteria and I'd get some ice water and a cup of coffee. That little adventure would break up the tedium and stretch my legs enough and I'd be good to go sitting for a few more hours. I would sit with her after work until she'd get after me saying I needed to get home and get some sleep. My Mom, God rest her soul, would watch my oldest during the day while I was at work and she would make the 45 minute drive each way to the hospital so our daughter could see her Mommy everyday.

My prayers are with you and your family.

[Josh Runkle]

I'll pray for you and your family.

[gtmtnbiker98]

Our son was born at 28 weeks, after a lot of drama to make it that far. I sent you a PM if you want to talk.

[45dotACP]

If you haven't already, I'd suggest looking up the March of Dimes. My sister found them a useful resource when her son was in the NICU. He was 33 weeks when he was born. She had a very hard time after she was discharged and he son had to stay. Those feelings are completely normal. It's a nerve wracking experience and while certainly outside my area of knowledge, I'd suggest keeping in touch with the nurses. Don't be afraid to ask them questions about the plan of care. They are there to help. Praying for comfort to you and yours. The next few weeks may feel like years, but this too shall pass. Take care of yourselves as well. Be sure to get plenty of rest and eat well. Stress drains the body.

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[Kyle Reese]

Our prayers are with you and your family. If there's anything that I can do, or if you need anything, don't hesitate to reach out.


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[ffhounddog]

Prayers out to you and your family.

There is nothing I can say that has not been suggested, I have taken this to heart too. My wife is pregnant with twins and is at 29 weeks and we have been going through a lot of ups and downs with this pregnancy. Every week she has an exam and I do not know if she will be coming home or admitted into the Hospital, she has been through two complications that she has been hospitalized during this time.

If you need anything like we have said just reach out. Also with my wife being in the hospital for two weeks during this pregnancy, I did not stay with her 24/7. There is only so much you can do and you need to decompress as a type A personality. The hospital she was in had a Gym that I worked out in for an hour or more just to clear my head. For me there is only so much online stuff and Investigative Murder Porn that I can take. I keep asking her if this stuff interests her so much why not take the Test and become a Detective instead of a Patrol Cop but she likes the hours.

[Nephrology]

The NICU is tough for anyone - you really shouldn't feel ashamed having others step in to help you out during your time of need. As some of the above suggested, don't be afraid to reach out to friends/family and of course the nursing & medical staff in the NICU. They are there to help and pretty much nobody winds up in the NICU unless there is nowhere else they'd rather be.

Finally, don't forget that this sort of thing is a circle. You are an LEO and have a job where you better society on a daily basis. Now it is time to let others help you. I know that it is hard feeling as helpless as you do, but it's just a part of the big circle. I am sure that your son will one day grow up to help others, just as the staff at the NICU are helping him and helping you today.

[Ptrlcop]

Thanks for all the responses.

I'm more upbeat today. Since my wife was discharged we have been staying in a Ronald McDonald room here in the hospital. My wife has been getting super stressed so I convinced her to let me take her home tonight to stay with our daughter while I come back and stay with the boy. I think a night with her other kid, in her own bed is going to recharge her and give her some time to get organized. Then we are going to switch tomorrow.

[LittleLebowski]

My boy was in the NICU after being born. Nearly lost him and his mother due to her gestational diabetes. He was tiny and born early.

Then:

http://i66.photobucket.com/albums/h251/baxshep/Family/IMG_20120823_205245_zpsbadf433d.jpg


Now: (97th percentile on height and weight):

https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/12105770_482199975291564_1282384772819417839_n.jpg ?oh=37857a2bb4a89c5cb972cda2b80dd406&oe=5702A721

[LittleLebowski]

Thanks for all the responses.

I'm more upbeat today. Since my wife was discharged we have been staying in a Ronald McDonald room here in the hospital. My wife has been getting super stressed so I convinced her to let me take her home tonight to stay with our daughter while I come back and stay with the boy. I think a night with her other kid, in her own bed is going to recharge her and give her some time to get organized. Then we are going to switch tomorrow.

Good call on the night with the kid. Folks forget how hard this can be on the dad as well but I'll never forget my time dealing with the same.

[Trooper224]

Your biggest way to contribute is by being there for your wife. You don't always have to be the fixer, men have a problem flipping that switch. Giving emotional support, especially when women are concerned, is often more valuable than physically doing "stuff".

[RJ]

Your biggest way to contribute is by being there for your wife. You don't always have to be the fixer, men have a problem flipping that switch. Giving emotional support, especially when women are concerned, is often more valuable than physically doing "stuff".

This. When my dad (RIP) was going through open heart, all my mom needed was for me to be there. It helped her cope.

She was a RN PhD, pretty sharp cookie, but still needed the emotional support to help her cope.


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[breakingtime91]

I hear you. Sometimes I find myself being more of a hindrance than a help, though, contributing to an unhealthy environment. I'd rather be gone for an hour and come back recharged and able to contribute positively. I'm not talking about disappearing for days - just an hour to rage and shower. When I was hospitalized, I was glad my loved ones didn't forget to take care of themselves.

Definitely a personal choice, and I'm totally not shocked that nyeti's advice is to HTFU. ;)

Yup after spending time in the ICU with my brother, I had to get out to recharge and be able to make clear headed decisions. I know where your coming from though Nyeti. My wife also tells me to go, she usually needs alone time to deal with things and if I don't follow this instruction, a flare up is gonna happen.

[Chance]

I'll just echo earlier comments of not being afraid to ask for help. As type-A problem solvers, someone helping us feels awkward, and I'm sure it's even worse for you, given your line of work. You're human though, and you shouldn't beat yourself up for being human. I guarantee you're surrounded by people who would love to help if they had the opportunity, so reach out and put them to work.

This is my cousin with her preemie. The kid turned one year old last week, and is now your typical bouncy toddler. Best wishes.

5391

5392

[Dagga Boy]

Thanks for all the responses.

I'm more upbeat today. Since my wife was discharged we have been staying in a Ronald McDonald room here in the hospital. My wife has been getting super stressed so I convinced her to let me take her home tonight to stay with our daughter while I come back and stay with the boy. I think a night with her other kid, in her own bed is going to recharge her and give her some time to get organized. Then we are going to switch tomorrow.

Rockstar level decision and good for everyone. This kind of thing will really help your daughter. Many forget that kids don't understand things like we do and the "healthy" kid ends up thinking there is something wrong with them because they are no longer special. In reality she is probably dealing with more emotionally than anyone realizes. No longer an only child, everyone upset and worried, mommy and new brother in the hospital, daddy stressed and likely on the phone a lot talking to everyone about the new baby...etc...


Your biggest way to contribute is by being there for your wife. You don't always have to be the fixer, men have a problem flipping that switch. Giving emotional support, especially when women are concerned, is often more valuable than physically doing "stuff".

Spoken like a guy who has learned the hard way how to maintain a healthy relationship. Thumbs up.


Yup after spending time in the ICU with my brother, I had to get out to recharge and be able to make clear headed decisions. I know where your coming from though Nyeti. My wife also tells me to go, she usually needs alone time to deal with things and if I don't follow this instruction, a flare up is gonna happen.

One of the hardest things to read (and if I figured it out i ll be rich) is when "go ahead and go" means "I am sick of you" or "I feel like a burden" or "I am ruining your life" or "I really want you here, but feel needy if I ask". We are men,they are women, and none of us say what we really mean (or in the case of men...do say what we mean, which is often the totally wrong thing to say). The biggest thing for me was trying to be very good at hiding my real emotions of frustration, being angry, and being scared.....three things cops do not like being.

[Ptrlcop]

My Daughter(3) saw my wife pump for the first time today. After my wife explained what she was doing my daughter told her, "that's pretty special that moms can make milk for their babies." I thought my wife was gonna melt.

Sometimes I think we get dumber as we age cause kids are damn smart.

[LSP552]

We will keep you and your family in our prayers.

[vcdgrips]

My twins ( one of each) were born at 1.9 and 1.7 pounds respectively at 26 weeks. They are now 16 and doing well at a college prep high school. I have been where you are going.

My twins and I will add you to our prayers this evening. The prayers of children are especially powerful as they have been the beneficiary of so many themselves.

Please fee free to call me 24/7/365

Number sent to you via PM.

David Barnes

[scw2]

We'll be keeping you and your family in our thoughts and prayers.

[LittleLebowski]

Just sending out positive thoughts right now.

[BN]

Prayers.

[HighSpeedBail]

During my wife's pregnancy, i got a migraine from all the stress and anxiety. It was the single longest day of my life. They wanted to do a c-section, wife wanted to try naturally, 12 hours later and me... just along for the ride, nothing i could do except support my wife.

I brought zero to the table outside of bad puns and a camera but once they gave her pitocin and she swelled up like a .... well no more pictures.

There is much better advice here than i can give. Just trust she and your son are in well qualified hands.

One of my buddies at work, his son was born at 32 weeks, had issues with his heart, would go through spells of very low heart rate that required him to be massaged and got blisters from all the tubes. It was very stressful but once the little guy got to 5lbs it all just went away and he stopped having any issues.

Soon this will be behind you.

Just a recommendation, if your wife is nursing, introduce a bottle as early as your doctor allows. Any feeding you can do well make things easier on your wife.
Happy wife, happy life...
Will also give her time to sleep/eat/shower/etc. My wife and i waited to introduce a bottle and my daughter wants/wanted nothing to do with it. She prefers the draft stuff only (wonder where she gets that from).

Best wishes bro.

[23JAZ]

Ok first, posting shit like this in a forum is not typically my style. However, any resources I've found on this subject are by people who really don't share my worldview.

Last Sunday, my wife called me at work an said I needed to take her to the hospital because she thought he water broke (she was 33 weeks). We got to the hospital, who confirmed and sent her by ambo to another hospital that had a NICU. Monday and Tuesday they gave her meds to stop contractions, fight infection, and develop baby's lungs. Tuesday night she delivered my son(2nd child, first boy). Wednesday I spent making arrangements for our daughter and getting a sitrep on the boy. Wed night I took my daughter to swim class and dinner before dropping her with my brother in law.

By Thursday I felt like we were getting into a routine and I had everything set the way it needed to be for our stay at the NICU. The boy is doing well and there are no significant concerns. Friday, the routine continued and I began to realize that I have done what I needed to do and we are no longer in "emergency mode" and have settled into "sit and wait". At that point I started feeling myself get cranky because I didn't seem to have a useful purpose.

Today my daughter visited for a few hours (I think she thought I lost it with all my hugs) and we took her to lunch before she went home with family. After, my morale dropped again as I didn't have anything useful to do. My wife and I got into it a bit because I wanted to get her food and she didn't want to eat(me just looking to be useful I guess).

Anyway, I'm rambling. Anybody been through this? How did you cope? I'm not worried about the medical part right now. I'm just having a hard time having others take care of my family and not having something to contribute.
My son was born at 28 weeks. We were in the NICU from December 2009 to March of 2010. The single hardest thing I have ever been through. The unknown, the lack of control, and not being able to comfort my wife all drove me insane and scared the shit out of me. All I can tell you is to stay strong, take care of your wife, and stay positive. Do all the kangaroo care you can, it really works. And just be there, talk to you baby, talk to your wife, and talk to your God. The lack of being able to contribute sucks but your presence alone is more enough. Whatever you do after that is a plus. Feel free to PM if you need anything.