Get Out of My Lane!

[ToddG]

You should not be in the fast lane on the highway if:

• you are driving at or below the speed limit. Period. No exceptions.

• you don't know what the speed limit is. Pull over and Google it but stay out of my way.

• there is a car approaching you at a rapid pace in your rear view mirror. Pull over for the five seconds it takes for him to pass you.

• your vehicle has more than four tires. Guys who drive dualies can bite me.

• you don't understand the difference between a CAT-5 hurricane and drizzle. If you're scared of how your car works on mildly damp pavement, don't drive.

• you have your hazard lights on. If you have your hazard lights on because it's drizzling, pull over, remove the keys from the ignition, and throw them into the deepest, darkest abyss you can find. Then jump in after them.

• your GPS tells you that you need to take a left exit five miles from here. Change lanes in four and a half miles instead of slowing down the hundred people stuck behind you.

• you're trying to pass someone who is going 1mph slower than you want to go. If it takes you more than ten seconds to pass, you don't need to pass.

• the person in the lane to your right is going faster than you. We call that a clue, Francis.

• the person in the lane to your right is passing you. We call that a big freakin' clue, Francis.

• you are touching your brakes for anything but an imminent serious or (better yet) fatal collision.

• you have a phone in your hand.

• you have your lunch in your hand.

• your rear view mirror is angled so you can see yourself instead of the traffic behind you.

• you'd go toe-to-toe with Mike Tyson rather than get a speeding ticket. In fact, stay out of the fast lane if you've never had a speeding ticket.

• you won't watch BBC's Top Gear because you think the cars they review are impractical.

• you think a yellow traffic light means slow down instead of go very fast. Even aliens understand that one.

• you are purposely trying to prevent me from going faster. You deserve to die a slow and painful death. Soon.

• I am driving the car behind you.

[Tamara]

you're trying to pass someone who is going 1mph slower than you want to go. If it takes you more than ten seconds to pass, you don't need to pass.

Can I get an "amen"?

[ToddG]

Also, apparently I live in Malaysia.

[ToddG]

Can I drive in the fast lane if you are a passenger in my car?

You never have before.

[JRB]

And Francis, if being passed on the right upsets you so profoundly that you finally feel compelled to use that right-side pedal, but only to accelerate and pass ME on the right before cutting me off and returning to your 5-under cruising speed - you should be sterilized as quickly as possible with whatever field-expedient equipment happens to be in the nearest toolbox.
If you've already experienced the unfortunate miracle of having reproduced, your children will be taken from you, and you'll be permitted to correspond with them only via handwritten mail that will be delivered on alternate leap years.

[ToddG]

And Francis, if being passed on the right upsets you so profoundly that you finally feel compelled to use that right-side pedal, but only to accelerate and pass ME on the right before cutting me off and returning to your 5-under cruising speed - you should be sterilized as quickly as possible with whatever field-expedient equipment happens to be in the nearest toolbox.

Good point. Must add to original list:

• you are purposely trying to prevent me from going faster. You deserve to die a slow and painful death. Soon.

[David Armstrong]

It can all be nicely summed up in the old Autobahn rule:
The left lane is for passing only and vehicles can only be passed on the left, barring emergency. Period.
If not actively passing another vehicle, move to the right lane. If someone passing vehicles faster than you are passing them and thus is approaching you while you are in the laft lane, move to the right lane until they have passed.

[ToddG]

It can all be nicely summed up in the old Autobahn rule:

[NETim]

You should not be in the fast lane on the highway if:

• you are driving at or below the speed limit. Period. No exceptions.

• you don't know what the speed limit is. Pull over and Google it but stay out of my way.

• there is a car approaching you at a rapid pace in your rear view mirror. Pull over for the five seconds it takes for him to pass you.

• your vehicle has more than four tires. Guys who drive dualies can bite me.

• you don't understand the difference between a CAT-5 hurricane and drizzle. If you're scared of how your car works on mildly damp pavement, don't drive.

• you have your hazard lights on. If you have your hazard lights on because it's drizzling, pull over, remove the keys from the ignition, and throw them into the deepest, darkest abyss you can find. Then jump in after them.

• your GPS tells you that you need to take a left exit five miles from here. Change lanes in four and a half miles instead of slowing down the hundred people stuck behind you.

• you're trying to pass someone who is going 1mph slower than you want to go. If it takes you more than ten seconds to pass, you don't need to pass.

• the person in the lane to your right is going faster than you. We call that a clue, Francis.

• the person in the lane to your right is passing you. We call that a big freakin' clue, Francis.

• you are touching your brakes for anything but an imminent serious or (better yet) fatal collision.

• you have a phone in your hand.

• you have your lunch in your hand.

• your rear view mirror is angled so you can see yourself instead of the traffic behind you.

• you'd go toe-to-toe with Mike Tyson rather than get a speeding ticket. In fact, stay out of the fast lane if you've never had a speeding ticket.

• you won't watch BBC's Top Gear because you think the cars they review are impractical.

• you think a yellow traffic light means slow down instead of go very fast. Even aliens understand that one.

• you are purposely trying to prevent me from going faster. You deserve to die a slow and painful death. Soon.

• I am driving the car behind you.

You wouldn't believe how fast my dually can go.

[ToddG]

You wouldn't believe how fast my dually can go.

I put that right up there with "my baby is so cute!" and "my dog is so smart!"