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  1. #1
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    In a Mass Knife Fight to the Death Between Every American President, Who Wins/Why?

    Saw this on another board, thought it was absolutely epic, and figured that the posters here could have a more educated take on the subject.

    In a mass knife fight to the death between every single American president, who wins and why?

    The original Reddit thread had these conditions on the scenario:

    • Every president is in the best physical and mental condition they were ever in throughout the course of their presidency. Fatal maladies have been cured, but any lifelong conditions or chronic illnesses (e.g. FDRís polio) remain.

    • The presidents are fighting in an ovular arena 287 feet long and 180 feet wide (the dimensions of the Roman Colosseum). The floor is concrete. Assume that weather is not a factor.

    • Each president has been given one standard-issue Gerber LHR Combat Knife , the knife presented to each graduate of the United States Army Special Forces Qualification Course. Assume the presidents have no training outside any combat experiences they may have had in their own lives.

    • There is no penalty for avoiding combat for an extended period of time. Hiding and/or playing dead could be valid strategies, but there can be only one winner. The melee will go on as long as it needs to.

    • FDR has been outfitted with a Bound Plus H-Frame Power Wheelchair, and can travel at a maximum speed of around 11.5 MPH. The wheelchair has been customized so that he is holding his knife with his dominant hand. This is to compensate for his almost certain and immediate defeat in the face of an overwhelming disadvantage.

    • Each president will be deposited in the arena regardless of their own will to fight, however, personal ethics, leadership ability, tactical expertise etc., should all be taken into account. Alliances are allowed.
    An absolutely ridiculously detailed take was posted here on a blog, and included gems like:

    6) John Quincy Adams. That man had a murdererís face, a murdererís eyes, and a murdererís haircut. Based on these intimidating characteristics alone Iím going to say he makes Top 10. If he teams up with dear old Dad and they watch each otherís back they might even become crowd favourites until the portly lawyer is overcome by a rabid Jackson/Lincoln/Teddy Roosevelt assault.
    15) James Buchanan. Iím going to put it out there: I think heíd be picked on. I believe at least half of the presidents after his time would want to be the guy to murder Buchanan. Dead early, and his corpse would be stabbed a few times to makes sure, and only Harriet Lane Ėhis nieceĖ is left to mourn him.
    33) Harry S. Truman would make a good show of things, but he was a little guy. No reach. No intimidation. That said, he keeps calm under pressure and is willing to make hard decisions. I definitely think heíd be a major force early on, perhaps even delivering the coup de grace on those left suffering.
    Make sure you read the post. It's hilarious. Personally, I'm going with Lincoln. Solid reach, strong guy, and a will to win. What say you?
    Sheep Have Wool

  2. #2
    Member
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    Oct 2011
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    Wyoming
    Well, Lincoln WAS a vampire hunter.
    Time flies when you throw your watch.

  3. #3
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    Albuquerque
    Washington of course.
    Nobody is impressed by what you can't do. -THJ

  4. #4
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    Apr 2011
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    NJ
    I'm honestly shocked that Andrew Jackson hasn't been mentioned.

    If you know just the slightest bit about President Jackson, you would know why he'd win.

    I'd go so far to danger that if he lived in contemporary times, he wouldn't even have graduated high school and he'd be in prison running shank fighting clubs for fun.

  5. #5
    One Man FUT
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    Feb 2011
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    TX
    Theodore Roosevelt, and he probably wouldn't even use the knife until he ran into Lincoln.
    Washington was supposedly a brutal fighter so he'd do well. Jackson would be there in the end, but I don't think he wins without his whoopin' stick.

    Sent from my PC36100 using Tapatalk 2

  6. #6
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    Dallas, TX
    Quote Originally Posted by TGS View Post
    I'm honestly shocked that Andrew Jackson hasn't been mentioned.
    He's way up there, but I don't think he's the winner. He'd have the highest kill count, but would sustain enough damage from charging screaming directly into the face of danger that someone sneaky would take him out.
    Sheep Have Wool

  7. #7

    Wow

    Facinating and hilarious. Someone has no life and mine is better for it.

  8. #8
    Mountain Man
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    Feb 2011
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    New Mexico
    Teddy Roosevelt for the win, hell he'd probably cut himself before the opening bell just to get in the mood.
    Carter down in the first 30 seconds.
    ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ

  9. #9
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    What kind of shape was Teddy in during his presidency, though? And wasn't he relatively short? I think he'd be one of the top 5 or so, but I think someone with superior physical attributes - like Washington - would take him out.
    Sheep Have Wool

  10. #10
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Papua New Guinea; formerly Florida
    Let's see...
    -Obama: spends the warm up hour bragging about how great he's going to do, and winds up the first one dead when Clinton knifes him in the back.

    -Clinton: would get a surprising good body count via backstabbing some of the weaker presidents while proposing alliances. Would likely get backstabbed by Nixon in turn.

    -William "Tippecanoe" Harrison: The dark horse of the bunch.

    -Grant would also go very well if you gave him some likker before the battle- maybe even top 5.

 

 

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